YOU

I dream about you only in the sweetest way

Any one can dream of another.

I want to walk away from you

Suspense is painful, yet confirmation is scary

I pray about you more than I even pray for you

I seek advice and try it but nothing seems to work

As if you are hidden deep within my heart

That even I, wanting to

Cannot remove you.

When I think I’m okay,

Just the thought of you has me writing poems.

When I think I’m okay,

Just mentioning your name has me all smiles

When I think I’m okay,

You walk in and I feel like I’m in a movie

Everything happens in slow motion

My heart leaps and so does my stomach

I smile and wonder for how long I can stare before I’m caught

I take mental pictures of you,

Not that many, for I fear to look straight at you,

Thinking my eyes might give me away

I have movie archives in my brain

Picture so clear, Hollywood would be threatened

That time when you told me your name

That time when we talked about God

That time when you teased me

That time when I teased you

That time when we just both smiled

That time when you asked for my help

That time when I will know for sure.

Home

Today is Easter Monday,the last day of one of the longest holidays in the year. The Easter holiday. It is about Jesus' death and resurrection,my very reason for living. In all honesty,I gave that very little attention this holiday. I wasn't consciously posting messages on face book about it but i think i was,subconsciously living it. I made up my mind before I left school that I was going to rest.
 I would not think about all the deadlines and the pending work and all the things that have apparently gone wrong or seem like they are about to go wrong. I rested and I thank God for it. You see separation from God among other things brings about restlessness. Jesus came that we might have life and have it to the full/more abundantly. I love being home. Ofcourse family is strange,it is a bitter sweet feeling,being around family. The warmth is so tangible but the subtle hurtful comments are also so pronounced. I chose to ignore the negative and focused on the positve i.e roadtrip to masaka on friday to see my granny.
The journey was more fun than the destination,no doubt. Eating roadside chicken has never stopped being fun,chama choma and spilling drinks on our shirts because we were too packed in the back seat and we had a baby on board. Saturday,spending some alone time with one of my sisters who has been away at work, doing girly things(read saloon time). Easter sunday was all about the food,which I am proud to say I enjoyed being part of the preparation team. So monday is here and I have to go back to the real world but I'm rested and ready for everything. God tells me all things work together for good,He also tell me to cast my cares upon Him,he also tells me that I am loved so I have nothing to fear.

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That is what it feels like on the inside. I can't seem to find the words to make sense of what my life has become. I say I am becoming miserable because I seem to desire that which is wrong for me while desiring to not desire it. Too much monotony, every song seems too much of the same thing, the same instruments, the same beats, singing or whining about the same thing. Frustration so deep within that I have lost my appetite, my will to live,surely there has got to be more.  I WANT TO BE MORE THAN OK!!!!! what happened Glo, what happened? I keep asking myself, waiting for Easter holiday, thinking maybe then, I will feel good about life. Aha! isn't that where i got it wrong? the feeling part....I have a friend who keeps saying,in whatever argument "no,it is what I know" life isn't about what you feel, see, think even but what do you know? Let me see, what do I know? John 1;12. I am a child of the most high God and he adores me. Yes he adores me,in whatever state I am in. I have just read a friend's blog where I was mentioned and she said me and another friend get great revelation of word because maybe we pray a lot and read our bibles a lot. False!!! I don't remember the last time I had a proper personal prayer or bible reading session. Now that is the true definition of grace. somehow the circumstances of life and the people around can without meaning to get you to step out of grace and into works. Sometimes you might be rested in grace,seriously chilling and enjoying receiving from God like you ought to and someone in not so many direct words makes you feel you are not doing enough. Of course you can never do enough, that is why I got saved. I recognised, nothing I could ever do would ever be enough. So, why am I letting a few bad days, or weeks, at times months, a fault here and a mistake there get me down. My worth is not in what I do. I am a child of God and guess what, He knows my weaknesses and loves me still. He knows more than any of you will ever know unless of course you become my husband, but He will still know more. He identifies with my weaknesses! like the psalmist says "..such knowledge is too high for me, I cannot contain it.." That is what I know and that's what I am standing on. The strong rock of the word of God even as the Spirit of God who is my tightee by the way, working on becoming bestos, bears witness with me on all these. deep sigh. Thank you father for reminding me.