Yes, I'm a grown woman!!!

"I'm a grown woman, I can do whatever I want" says Beyonce.
Well, Mrs.Jay Z, maybe because you can afford whatever you want, you can even name your children colours or directions like our lovely Kim K. This sounds like the kind of song you sing when the alcohol is kicking in and you are at a girl's night out or in but most likely in because it is much cheaper and you have to sleep at some point to be in time for work the next day, Saturday.

I am a grown woman, I am 23 and about 5 months old, I can already hear 24 knocking and asking me what I have done with my life. Unfortunately, whatever I want has a price attached to it; sometimes it is monetary and other times it is in kind, time, feelings, bla bla...
I am a dreamer and the biggest cheerleader for other people's dreams there is, I dare you to take me up on that! So, ofcourse I have friends calling me out on my dreams encouraging me to take action; sometimes, it is something I see in a blog about living on the edge and I want to scream, I am that girl!!! But I am a grown woman, I have to plan for whatever I want. So this is what grown woman me looks like at the moment

Things I must do!!

1. Bunjee jumping before the year ends...hence save for about 3 months which leaves you with 3 months to the end of the year, will you be able to get time off and travel and will you have company?

2. Get a tattoo, save for it for about 2 months but also look for the best artiste in town and settle on something you will not regret in a place you, still will not regret

3.Start living on my own, might not be feasible for another year because you need a really fat pay cheque for that and currently you are barely making ends meet; are there even any studio apartments where you stay?

4. Just settle for redecorating your room...Save for about 6 months, get maybe 3 extra jobs, that will pay for the paint, the labour, the new furniture and little other thingies you want for your room

5.Learn to value yourself, seriously, you should by now be able to attach a monetary value to time spent doing work for people, your awesome passionately delivered ideas so that you stop barely making ends meet! So, how much are you expecting?

6.Maybe it is about time I figured out how to make money from blogging.

7. Sell my impossible to walk in graduation shoes and buy sensible party shoes because I am a hot powerful, grown a** woman!

I'm a grown woman, I can do whatever I want as long as I can afford it and I wont have to walk to work for half the month for lack of transport or not make plans with friends just because I can't afford to go anywhere.

Growing up is awesome!!!!!

Eeeeeehhhh…but ok

I went to bed with this feeling and woke up with the same feeling intensified

“Relationships are Hard; not just hard but HAAAAARRRRRRDDDDD!!!!!!”

I am a dreamer, a lucid dreamer at that. If something is on my mind, I will most likely dream about it. That is how I awoke with the feeling intensified.

I am not talking about these superficial just barely touching the surface relationships. I mean real relationships, real call to die relationships. I am talking about all relationships because there really is one love, not many types of love, either way the foundation is the same; the rest are just details, add-ons, bla bla

I have had friends, many friends through the different phases of life but somehow even my friends are like the phases, they end at some point. We do not break up, no, we just stop being close, in a way so awkward I wonder if we were ever close to begin with. I have been wondering, asking myself if I have ever loved. Sure I have thrown the word around, I love ice-cream and chocolate cake, same goes for music; I love those things. I love my family and it hurts sometimes, loving them.

Many people have called me sweet and I have said I do not know what that means. But who am I kidding? Maybe I do and I just do not want to acknowledge it that I might indeed be sweet. Nothing wrong with that except if I start believing I’m all that, I might start desiring and expecting all that. Then my sweetness will have strings attached and my love will no longer be selfless then it will not be love anymore, it will be…something.

I am not just talking about the acts of being kind or giving your friends money when you barely have or taking long journeys to attend their parties hard. That is not hard depending on your personality and in itself is not an identifier of love. I am talking about truth. The truth about where your heart is as regards this relationship and how dead you are in it.

The truth that your words hurt me but I will not say anything about it because that will make the whole situation uncomfortable and I’d much rather let you go around using your tongue to injure others than mess with my comfort.

The truth that I don’t always think the best of you and I have wanted to walk away from this more than once. The truth that sometimes when we talk, I am disappointed. Disappointed because you were supposed to make me feel a certain way and somehow you failed.

The truth that I do not like listening to you because you are in the category of people who should be listening to me. You are talking but I am waiting for you to finish so that I can slot in my knowing “Hmmmm…” and rub your back.

The truth that I am afraid of you, I do not think I am enough for you. Strong enough, kind enough, patient enough…and one day I will snap and everyone will finally see what I have always known, I am not all that.

The truth that I totally hate being shut out because then I get like this thinking and writing things that seem deep but just make me feel all messed up inside; but I’m not even sure I want to be included because what happens when I can’t help you, huh?

The truth that I have the Spirit of God who guides me in all truth and has been calling me to love, to the transformation into His likeness. The truth that this call to forget about myself and not keep score seems like the valley of the shadow of death, really unpleasant and scary. Well because, you want me to love without holding back myself, to not just give of myself physical things but the real me. You want me to let them in when they might shut me out. You want me to care enough that I hurt with them as if I do not have enough pain of my own.

The truth that I might have to live a life of no recognition where no one appreciates me and that is supposed to be ok, I am supposed to give no attention to it. The truth that my life is not my own.

The truth that in a relationship, it is totally not about me, I might as well not exist, think not of me, its all about you.

So, I woke up and prayed about this truth and well…

Eeeeeeh…but ok!

Walking on eggshells

What if walking on eggshells isn’t what it is all painted out to be? Think about it, it is a lose- lose situation, you cannot walk on eggshells without cracking them, it is pointless, futile effort; trying to avoid things that are better dealt with. Some of us live with elephants, present in every conversation and moment, we ignore them. We pretend they are not there even as we jump over their excreta and have to speak over their noise. We all do this sometimes, well because it is easier. It is easier than having to come up with a plan of how to get such a heavy animal out through your small fragile door. It is easier than having to spend energy, put in a little bit maybe even a lot of effort to reclaim our space, what is ours, we much rather would let it be.

Imagine an elephant in the room with eggshells on the floor, literally. It is far from quiet, far from unnoticeable.

What if instead of tiptoeing around, we smash those eggshells and make noise on purpose. What if we refuse the pretend calm of the situation and call it for what it really is, a really messed up floor. Let us pull that elephant’s tail, make it scream until we cannot ignore it anymore because it is suffocating us and this running around it, having to stand on top of tables to see each other, is not necessary, it is tiring.

So, let’s talk. Let’s start these conversations that we are afraid of, that we assume might end something or maybe even begin a couple of things. Let us give things their proper names and speak to them directly. 

I am not just a bit disturbed by your behavior, I am angry, extremely angry because I feel your selfishness to the very core of my being and it makes me sick. Angry because I thought I meant more to you than this and you would be willing to fight for us, not run to save you. Angry because you refuse to acknowledge, recognize, own up to your part in this.

I do not just maybe miss you sometimes. I miss you a lot all the time, more so when you are seated next to me, when I look at your face and do not see myself; when I hold your hand and feel, nothing, no response, just numbness. I want to scream, I want us to talk about it, I want to ask questions. I want you to stop treating me like a fool and giving me nonsense answers. Tell me the truth. Tell me what you are thinking, what you are feeling…

I am afraid, petrified, near paralysis with fear at the thought of yet another day. I am afraid to try and afraid to not try. I am scared to hope yet I do not see how else to live. There are days, there are days the pain feels like it will never end and the despair seems to draw me deeper into its dark dark abyss and I try and reach out but words fail me because in that moment it seems stupid, I know better, I can do this but right before I ran into you, I was considering not waking up tomorrow.

I am not what you want

I see you shaking your head with a pained expression on your face. You want to fight me, I'm pretty sure you have an argument ready, it could even be a solid one. You are intelligent, you will speak, I will listen, I will back down because I feel things and you know things. Logic has always been more easily expressed than feelings anyway. I will reason that maybe we can keep on like this, just for a little while longer. You will reach out and take me into your arms and it will be decided that this is a fight for another day, it doesn't have to be right now, it could always be later.

I hear you speaking of things that we could do together, rejoicing in the person you think I am and I try to find the right words to let you see, you are mistaken,that's not me, I am not her. That girl who lights a fire in your eyes and sets off sparks in your brain. The one who fits into your fantasy, imagination, dream (call it whatever) like a glove, jigsaw finding its place as if created by your own hand.

You may need me, God knows I want you, someone like you to want me. I may even be good for you, loving you in all the ways you need to be loved. Fitting rightly into your side, like the missing rib I could be. I can give you my all, live my life to see that you have all your heart desires. Seeking your joy, your fulfillment, protecting you fiercely like a lioness her cub, putting aside my own fears to reach out and save you from yours. I could hold your hand as you walk the valleys of life ,give you a push on the back as we go up hills and give you my smile for days you cannot find your own, that sweet dimpled smile of yours. I can do all that. I am ready and willing to do all that. 

So, you may need me, and you want me to say because I make you feel good; I love you well but I am not what you want.

The girl of your dreams is different, the one I see in your eyes, that one who brings out the passion in your voice; there are things you want her to be able to do, to be, good things but they are not me. I can not lie to you because if you are to love me, I do not want you to love a lie, I do not think I'll be able to keep it up. I cannot lie to you, you deserve to get what you want. Maybe she'll even love you better than me and you'll have the perfect package. She will give you all that you need and want. Worry yourself not, with time, I will be but a distant memory.

Watching you sleep, I wonder, how much longer I can keep this up, the selfishness, I am keeping you from her. You are smiling...you must be dreaming about her. I will no more bother with goodbyes because I know you will fight me. Right now, you may not see, but with time, you will know, I am not what you want.

I am ENOUGH

Funny thing, I don't fully feel like that.

I saw this one day, as I arrived at work. It really does not mean anything

I

"Am I enough?" I find myself asking so often. I have not been feeling enough for a while now. The month of march for the lovely ladies of SheLovesMagazine was about enough. This word, this concept was expressed in as many ways as there are hearts, hurts, fears and victories. I read all of them, I learnt from all of them, I even shared with my friends and my workmates. But one day, I ran into an old friend, I had not seen in a while, and memories came flooding back like it had just happened. I cared for him, gave him my heart, ever so timidly but nonetheless fully and it wasn't enough. Our goodbye had not been clear, sort of we went silent after a while. I wanted to be mad, I wanted to be so angry that I stopped caring, feeling hurt or pain. Then I read a line from one of the blogs
"it is possible to care too much..."
I still wondered why I wasn't enough for him, I mean I was ready carry his pain, to be there for him if he'd only let me. why wasn't I enough? why didn't he choose me?

II

I graduated from school in December. Yes, I was ecstatic because for the longest time, I felt like school was in the way of me living my life. I wanted to do so much. Finally, I would have time to write seriously and pursue my passion in media and broadcasting. Now, I have no credentials in those fields, all I have is my passion. My University certificate says I graduated with a bachelors in building economics/quantity surveying. I spent four years working for that. Now what? Day after day, I see newspaper adverts for my dream job, and they detail tasks I know I can carry out, things I wish I was part of, but then they ask for some certification other than what I have and years of experience I could only have gained if I had worked thorugh school in that particular field, my heart once again sinks.
"one day soon Lord, one day soon"

III

Last night I called a friend of mine, for no particular reason. I didn't even think we'd have anything to talk about. I just called him, it had been a while. He asked me what I was up to , wow, what have I been up to? I said nothing and he said no. You can't have been up to nothing all this time. I wondered what to tell him but more than that I wondered if he wanted to hear that. I was not sure if I could properly articulate my frustrations and fears but most of all my anguish at my feelings because I thought I was past such. So, I spoke gibberish and we went on to speak about other things. Why do I feel like I have been upto nothing?

IV

One day, on my way, to work while wallowing in my sadness, God told me
"You are enough"
"Then how come.."
"You are enough"
I am enough; whether a certain him recognised that and accepted the gift that I am or not, I am enough.

I am an intern at an HR consulatncy, a marketing intern. The story of how I got this position is just one of God's favour and Him giving us the desires of our hearts. This was totally new to me, I am one of those creative types, I , before this, didn't think I had a business bone in me. To market the business, you have to understand the business. So yes, some days I feel very inadequate for this job and this feeling has intensified over the past two weeks and I have found myself dreading walking into an office that was once a reminder of God's favour upon my life. I remember my sweet friend Mirembe likes to say "it is God who qualifies us" wow. I need to remember that. He brought me here with my engineering degree, He most certainly will sustain me.

My friends, the lantern meet of poets, are at it again. We are organising a poetry production. Bittersweet. The theme is love. I have been tasked with publicity and communications. I am honoured, I should say and really excited to be doing this; creating advertising and publicity campaigns, creating and looking for ways to put the word out there, attending rehearsals and seeing the birth of this production. I feel alive again. When I am doing this, I feel enough.

However, I have just read my last post before this one and I am reminded, that even when in situations where I fall short and I am not performing, I am enough. If I had none of all this, will I let God be enough? and because I am found in Him, I know I am enough. On somedays, it takes many deep breaths for this to sink in, but I choose to remember that I am enough.

5 and 2

I think of Jesus’ miracles and his disciples and myself. I know the end of the story because I know that Jesus is going to calm that sea with just a whisper and that great group of people following him around will eat to more than their fill. I am quick to take position on that very high horse I must have attained from reading the bible a lot. I know I’m probably the only one who does that, wonder how unserious the disciples could be! I mean, take Peter for example, how do you drown when you are walking on water with Jesus?! As in seriously, what is your deal? So I tend to take most if not all my lessons from what the disciples did wrong and in my head I probably sound like a zealous preacher

“Don’t focus on the storms around you lest you drown, focus on Jesus and you will walk on water! Drowning comes from focusing on the storm! Ignore the storm people! Ignore the storm! Don’t be like Peter!” The message would probably be entitled Peter’s syndrome

But…

Being a lover of music and words, I really listen to songs, as in I can give you a synopsis after the first listen. Yes, synopsis, I like this word :) . Anyway so music, I was listening to a song and basically the persona was Jesus based on what He was saying. It seemed like he had re-done the beatitudes, and maybe made them simpler!( am I the only one who needs some help with those?) He was saying blessed are you as you weep and pour perfume at my feet, blessed are you as you tremble and wait for the first stone thrown at your sinful disgrace, blessed are you leper when all you’ve known is the fear in their eyes and so many other blessed broken things.

But then, he also says, blessed are you as you shake your head to two tiny fish and some bread, blessed are you as you walk on water only to drown when you look away. He calls them blessed, those very ones that doubted him! Why?! I don’t want to be like them, considering the many times I have laughed at Peter’s zeal and uhmm…mishaps.

As the song sunk into the very depths of my heart, yes it did, my high horse seemed to lose its legs. Have you ever asked why on earth a group of grown men with their heads screwed on properly, with 20 20 vision would take 5 loaves and 2 fish to Jesus seeing the multitude,(by the way that means a really big crowd)? Put in their place, I would have more naturally rounded off those tid bits and told Jesus we couldn’t find anything; but not them. Think about it. All of a sudden, this mustard seed faith business seems to be trying to make sense. They may have shook their heads at what they were presenting to God but they presented it anyway and they are called blessed.

I bet this boy asked himself that question.

 Isn’t that all that is required anyway? To present ourselves, imperfect as we are and watch Him be Himself, supernaturally awesome! I think of Peter and how He walked on water; most times I have said that but thought
“That is the story of how Jesus walked on water and Peter drowned and the disciples called Jesus a ghost(yes they did)”

I totally missed it. Peter walked on water. He was blessed as he thought He was seeing a ghost, blessed as he asked to join Jesus, blessed as he walked on water, even when drowning and calling out in fear, he was blessed.

I am blessed even when it seems like I have failed in my super natural attempts and I find myself drowning. I am blessed.

I am blessed when I shake my head at the seeming hopelessness of my situations. I am blessed.

I am blessed when I don’t understand the bible and scratching my head in confusion. I am blessed.

I am blessed because He desires that I am blessed. I am blessed because I am His. I am blessed because…there is no because for the blessing.

Mulungu Samagona...no rent

" I know that sometimes it feels like, the world is a bag of pain but he'll never let a righteous tear fall to the ground in vain"

The opening lines to a song I totally love. This is a recent love; it is actually about 3 days old but the song is beautiful.

Alot has been happening in my life lately. Alot happens in everyone's world everyday. sometimes it is devastating, some times numbing at times leaves you speechless or not knowing how to feel. On every front, home, work, heart...
But I am joyful. Let me backtrack a little. Towards the end of last year, I was having a hard time with my heart. I would sit alone in the dark wondering how to rid my heart of this longing which was more of an ache than anything else. I buried myself in music thinking maybe if I found a song to speak for me then this nothingness, this pain filled emptiness would cease. I thought I could document my progress. it was as if I was on some sort of progress; I would count days since....

"I want to see your heart, I want to heal your heart; please don't keep your heart hidden away"

At the beginning of this year, I felt drained. Can you immagine, coming from a two week holiday break and feeling your least enthusiastic about anything. I was constantly tired and unhappy, at work and in everything. I didnot however want to voice my frustrations because I HATE complaining.
I do not know when this started; my longing for quiet contemplative prayer. I just want to sit and be awed. Everytime I went for bible study, just sitting there and listening to people talk about God so personally and so passionately, I missed that. I felt I was not doing it anymore. I missed the relationship.

My father loves me.
He speaks to me through poetry, music and rain.
I hear his voice through a blog,
and a letter.

I feel like I'm snuggled up against God, honestly! Snuggled, like a child but also like a lover. That closeness that has your heart beating really fast simply breathing Him in. I feel released and uplifted everyday,always. I want to reach out my hands and thus lift others. I am at peace even when the waves of life hit. I am joyful even before I see the change in situations.
I discovered a song which is on replay 'no rent' probably the most beautiful love song I've ever heard in a foreign language! I understand some parts and others not so so.. but I want to keep love in my heart no rent no rent