Keeping my hopes unbroken

There are days when all I want to listen to is Switchfoot.

Their music knows how to capture that indescribable feeling that every so often overwhelms my being, that moment of knowing, that I am not of this world.

But as I write this, I’m listening to Damita Haddon’s it belongs to you. A beautiful song of surrender and recognition, I don’t own anything. The best part however is where she lays out all the things that are not of me, that I should let go of, stress, depression, hurt et al

This has not really been the best June, not because of what was happening on the outside, but everything that went on inside. My soul has been extremely restless and unmotivated. I tried to find solace and joy in various things but nothing lasted and I knew why. They don’t have the ability to offer solitude to my spirit.

I love watching children. Not only are they adorable in just being really tiny humans, they are also very honest humans. It is not uncommon to see a child running back to a parent in tears even when it’s the parent who has administered punishment and caused those tears. I reckon it is because the parent is the one protection and comfort they are persuaded of. However, I also believe they want reassurance that the relationship is still solid, that they are still loved despite themselves.

I have sort of been in that state in the way that I have been dealing with God. Being miserable and taking my misery to God with my mouth all the way up in my nose accusing Him of refusing to make everything okay. I have been the kind of sad that makes it extra hard to get out of bed in the morning. I have been the level of stressed and frustrated that gave me constant headaches and made it hard to fall asleep. I have been the sort of fragile where tears were as accessible as breath.

I don’t know when it got this bad. I just know it kept on and I became one of those things I don’t like, a complainer. I would listen to myself speak and cringe and yet not be able to help sounding like that in the next sentence.

Last night, a wonderful wonderful God bless his soul friend of mine told me to listen to Switchfoot’s “Awakening”. We were texting and I was casually mentioning what the month of June had done to me or left me feeling like. In all fairness, I think it started way earlier; it’s just that June is when it all became too much. Anyway, my awesome friend Ronnie insisted that I suspend all further communication with him until I had listened to the song. I didn’t have the song, so I cheated and Googled the lyrics.

However, today while at work, I went to Youtube and listened to Awakening. I know the song. I love the song. However, I had never really paid attention to the lyrics that so perfectly described and understood my predicament.

“Last week found me living for nothing but deadlines,
With my dead beat sky but,
this town doesn't look the same tonight
These dreams started singing to me out of nowhere
And in all my life I
don't know that I ever felt so alive,
Alive"

Awakening-Switchfoot

I listened, I loved it and I looked for more songs by Switchfoot. This band never fails to speak for me. One of the songs that really really is right on the money is restless

“I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I'm looking for you”

I don’t think the issue had stared me more square in the face than it did whilst listening to that song. It’s not really my situations that I want changed. The giants in this earthly canaan slain, the love of my life loving me and loving me well and everything being fantastic. I want Him, God; the place that I am longing for is Him and he has been here the whole time while I pushed Him aside and asked Him why he wasn’t giving me the other stuff.

“I've got my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my hopes unbroken”

As I was listening to “Your love is a song” also by Switchfoot, those lines above got me. My hopes haven’t been unbroken. My hopes have been cracked, bashed, beaten and downright annihilated at some point, but I’m grateful to God that He picks them up, binds them up and says “look here, look at me, I am your hope and I am everlasting”

MDCXIII

I had a hard time getting over you
I’m not sure I’m over you
I prayed
I cried
I begged
On some days to have you
by my side and in my life
and on other days
to have you
out of my head, my heart and my way
I wish I could tell you
I mean in person
See your expression
and hear your side of things
I’ve told you enough times
in verse, with smiles
and the prayers that I say
I’m thinking of getting inked
Somewhere close to my heart or a vein
Of course it’s about you,
Of course it's in code
You can’t be just a memory

Say a little prayer for you

I wrote this for a friend on their birthday. It is one of those friendships where the person is special to you but you do not get to see them often. In such instances, FaceBook is a no no and phonecalls and text messages feel inadequate. I wrote it during a church service. The day before the birthday, pretty sure by the time they saw it, it would be D Day.

I chanced upon it as I was scrolling through my emails and I am amazed. I say this prayer for each one of you reading this; and to the person I originally wrote it for, I am sorry I did not ask for permission to share it but I hope you do not mind sharing in the blessing.

I pray for you
Beloved of the most high
You who carries the fullness of Christ in you
You for whom the Lord gave His son
and with Him all else,I pray for you

I pray for you sight
That blindness may be far from you
That the eyes of your understanding will open 
as the light of Christ is shed abroad in your Spirit

I pray that you will have ears that hear the Spirit of God
That your Spirit will choose to be deaf 
to any voice that is not of the Lord or from the Lord
That,as sheep of His pasture,
you will know His voice

I pray for you the strength of the Lord
That it will keep you through everything 
that the Lord shows you and asks of you
The strength to lay your life down
To let the life of Christ reign in you 
and Adam be put to death
I pray strength for you to embrace and walk 
into all that the Lord calls and has called you into.
The life of Christ.

I pray for you wisdom.
The wisdom of God.
Christ is your wisdom.
That you will know Christ and none else.
That you will know that knowing Christ is knowing all.
That Christ will forever be enough for you.

I pray for your family,
The one that you are apart of now 
and the one that the Lord is preparing for you
and preparing you to be head over,
That the abundance of God's grace and love 
will rule in your households 
because God is king in your hearts.

That wherever you will be,
you will be reminded that you are favoured of God.
He works all things out for you. 
As the Lord leads you in many things and places,
that you will be filled with His Joy and peace,
may He satisfy you with His goodness.

I pray the protection of the Lord over you 
and all that is yours. 
That you will be reminded of His angels 
whom He has given as ministering Spirits,
waiting on the word of the Lord.

With a long and fruitful life,
He will satisfy you.
Everything you touch and are involved in 
shall be fruitful beyond imagination.
You will not follow norms but you will raise standards,
the HolySpirit will always raise the standard for you.

Happy Birthday Friend. Silver and gold have I none,but what I have I give unto thee,a prayer,
I speak the fulfillment of all of God's promises into your life. That you will see them in the land of the living.
And finally,I pray that you recieve it
Yei Bin Adonai --- Be it unto me according to your word. Amen.

Amen.

In unexpected Places

We were drunk, not very very but we were on our way there. We were sipping slowly and asking the waitress to keep them coming. We were seeing each other through smoke, no, it wasn't for ambiance. It was cigarette smoke because for some, nicotine and beer go well together. I do not remember how the conversation started but somehow it did and it persisted.

We were talking about God. We were talking salvation. We were talking grace. Two of us being partakers, one not so so, the other openly Atheist but we were talking God. We were not arguing, no, we are friends. We were talking with a level of honesty that alcohol seems to bring forth.

At first, I held my tongue, feeling like so much ground work was needed for such a discussion to be fruitful. I was too conscious of our differences and prejudices. I do not know how it happened, but it was almost like how Jeremiah says there is a fire shut up in his bones (was it Jeremiah who said that?) or when He said the word of the Lord was like burning coals in his mouth. There was a discussion about changes and actions and being good...that is when I spoke up

I even tweeted about it

That is when I spoke up about grace and where grace found me, about journeys and how it is not neccessarily always black and white. About how even the seemingly worst person on earth has a father in heaven who is still rooting for him, wanting him home. A while back, I wrote about journeys, my journey in and outside church society and this is one more on the list of the most unconventional of places I've seen God. Almost drunk at a bar talking about His goodness and still hearing Him reveal things that I wouldn't have otherwise known.

Provision vs Purpose

He took care of the provision so that we would focus on the Purpose. This has been ringing in my head since early this morning.

Two weeks ago, I ran into one of my pastors. I do not see him as often as I used to because I relocated, so I was really glad to get those five or so minutes with him. A lot has changed since we last met and talked. So much has changed in my life and I believe in his as well. We got talking about Valentine's day which was that weekend and work. It is in talking about work that he asked me a question that I have not been able to forget since. "What is your purpose there?" he asked, when I told him where I spend my days , "find out your purpose there" he added before we had to say our goodbyes.

Purpose. It has been a while since I thought of anything in terms of purpose. Truth be told, I have been so focused on what I am to get or how I am to gain that I forgot to ask how I could contribute. I have not yet found a clear answer to that question but I am seeking, what is my purpose here?

One of the major highlights of 2014 for me was reading the book Not I but Christ. It changed the way I viewed so many things and had me questioning so many things I once was sure of concerning my faith. It is in one of the chapters of this book that I encountered 'provision vs purpose'. You see, God Almighty is not random. He is particular and had a reason for everything He did and how He did it. For every creation, there was a purpose. After the fall of man, most of the world (if not all) turned upside down and many things no longer look or function the way they were intended to. Most (if not all) of what we think we know/see is a lie, it is distorted. We are seeing through the wrong lenses.

It therefore follows that there was purpose to the creation of man. The Lord never intended for man to worry about provision and I believe that is why we never see Adam in the garden toiling. He was at rest always. Man started worrying or concerning himself with provision after the fall,after the rebellion where he desired independence. Fast forward some years later, Jesus, the second Adam is sent to bring back balance to everything. He comes in and makes right everything that went wrong.

 ( Romans 5:10-15 NIV)
¹⁰ For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! ¹¹ Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Death Through Adam, Life Through Christ

¹² Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned—
¹³ To be sure, sin was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not charged against anyone’s account where there is no law. ¹⁴ Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who is a pattern of the one to come.
¹⁵ But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God’s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! ¹⁶ Nor can the gift of God be compared with the result of one man’s sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification.


Once again, we are called to focus on purpose because the provision has been made in the more than sufficient sacrifice of Christ. The provision for food, shelter, health and healing, relationships, reconciliation, righteousness and so on and so forth. Once again we are called to only focus on Christ in whom our purpose is hidden, as members of His body, as adopted children in the Lord's family, co-heirs with the Son, accepted in the beloved.

^{( Ephesians 1: 3-12 KJV)
3} Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ:
⁴ According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love:
⁵ Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will,
⁶ To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.
⁷ In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace;
⁸ Wherein he hath abounded toward us in all wisdom and prudence;
⁹ Having made known unto us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure which he hath purposed in himself:
¹⁰ That in the dispensation of the fulness of times he might gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven, and which are on earth; even in him:
¹¹ In whom also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestinated according to the purpose of him who worketh all things after the counsel of his own will:
¹² That we should be to the praise of his glory, who first trusted in Christ

...and this purpose rings true with every breath and heartbeat. My purpose is Christ. For it is nolonger I who lives but Christ who lives in me. My focus is Christ. I follow as He leads. I'll look to Him and He will sort out the details. Selah.

10th Dec 2014

I do not know what my heart is saying. You can spend a long time worrying and fretting about so many things like what to wear to the office end of year party, what the last text message you received meant and how your clothes seem a little too tight these days. All of a sudden you are awoken at 1:00am with horrible news and nothing else matters. Nothing else but the darkness that is before you. You lose all your sleep and you have no desire to go back to bed. You do not care that you have to be up in less than 4 hours. Only one thing is real at that moment, just how scary life is.

By some luck you manage to drift off to sleep and by God's mercy there are no nightmares and even with just 2 hours of sleep you are able to get up in time, you survive the consequences of being late because of a reliable team mate whose importance you take for granted way too often. Today is gratefulness day, you are thankful for the little things in life; colleagues like that, mothers like the one you have and breath. You are alive.

You make it through the day regardless of the sleep that is heavy on your eyelids, you manage to get work done. Nothing tastes the same today, even your usual order is a disappointment. You skip lunch and opt for a nap instead. There is a lot and nothing on your mind at the same time. The day is ending, you pause and take stock and realise, there are many crucial things that you ought to have done that you haven't. Some things were out of your control, others were not but that does not matter. They still remain undone.

You write a blog post. Get your bag and decide to go home before night fall. Someone has taken your confidence from you. Once again you are afraid of the dark and maybe sleeping will help. It will be a very welcomed pause.You do not know where your head is.

Reflections and Bucket lists

It's been a while since I have been here. How many blogs do I start like this?

I am having one of those days, you know the kind...reflective days. It usually happens as I am approaching my birthday which is in the first month of every year. I have to wait an entire year to celebrate my birthday agin, so you can't blame me.

About 3 years ago, I came up with a bucket list, reading it now, there are some things I cringe at and others I had actually forgotten about. Here is the list:

1. fall so deeply in love/ find my best friend
2.sing in a choir
3. write for a fashion magazine
4. appear in a magazine, cover would be awesome
5. appear on a billboard
6. learn about photography
7.design an outfit
8. host a radio/TV show
9. teach my younger siblings about God
10. live on my own
11. bungee jumping
12. surfing
13.write many many books
14. travel to Australia
15. meet Bebo Norman

Let us examine this list with 3 years of wisdom added onto my life.Let us start with the ones that are still valid. Well, 3,4,5 and 7 are things I believe I have outgrown. With the introduction of Social media, anyone can self publish any where at any time. I am on the cover of my facebook page. I have been lucky enough to make friends with a few photographers, it is fascinating. Most of these things, you have to teach yourself and will most likely learn from experience. Ofcourse you will learrn the basics of how to set the lighting and the focus but then afterwards it is up to you to be creative with your photos. It is amazing and it is something I am planning on pursuing, not professionally but simply for the joy of capturing the beauty that is around us, be it in moments or things or people.

I am not going to say something about each of these. They are simply too many. Singing in a choir has turned into joining a band playing the ever so awesome Triangle, and I am not kidding. That is my instrument of choice. (Dear Mirembe, this band should start soon). Bungee jumping is happening in January next year, latest February and along with it I have added hiking and vising sipi falls, that place is so breath taking. I will surf when I go to Australia and I have no idea when I will meet Bebo Norman, a man whose music has totally blessed my life, but to that I have added switchfoot, the band of my life!

I am working on those books. Step 1 has pretty much been trying to be consistent with my blogging, it helps me become a better writer. However, on some days, it does sound like an excuse, if I want to write a book, I should just write a book. I promised my 4 year old nephew that I would write him a book. This is something I must do.

Number 8, it is hard to talk about this one without feeling like crying a little. 3 years ago, it was simply a dream, scratch that it seemed more like wishful thinking. It was one of those things you wish for but hardly believe will ever happen like meeting Santa Claus on christmas eve in your Ugandan house! I was in my 3rd year at the University, in the Faculty of Engineering, with zero radio connections and experience. All I had were prayers that I did not believe 100%. 3 years later, one 9-5 (which lasted 2 years) later, a few free lance gigs some paid for, many not, a quarter life indentity crisis that may have lasted a year, later, here I am.

The way it all happened is seemingly surreal. One day, I was sitting at my desk on the verge of tears because I felt I could not take a life of passionless work anymore, the next I was dancing like no body was watching (because no body was) because I had just recieved a phone call being invited to do a voice demo. The process at some point had started getting exhausting because my canaan had way too many giants but it happened. Here I am, 3 years later, starting work on Monday morning, taking a very huge step in the realisation of a dream so close to my heart. I know for some people, 3 years is nothing, people have hustled for 10 years, I get it. It has taken over 3 years to get to step 1 and I am beyond grateful.

This time round, as I turn an age I will not disclose but you can guess from reading some of my older posts,I am determined to be content. Yes, a lot has not gone my way and so many times I feel like I am lagging behind in what people ought to have achieved by my age. I mean, considering the number of years I have been working and the hours I have put in, I should probably be richer. But I am content. The Lord has been good to me, and He is continuing to be. He has shown me that he is in charge and he is aware. Life is al right. Everything will be al right. I am living life, one dream at a time.

So, Tune in to 95.9 Touch Fm or stream live at touch.fm on Monday Morning, and every day after that from 6-10am and listen to me be awesome. :)