Wednesday, August 14, 2013


Death is such an unfortunate thing. It is also often a very painful thing; a grievous thing. We grieve in different ways. For some, it hits immediately and tears involuntarily flow from their eyes and their hearts slowly fall into a million pieces. For others, it is a slow process, like sipping beer through a straw, it starts with shock that at times does not wear off until the last handful of dust is thrown into the grave or the last mourner leaves the compound. There are those of us who actually take days, feeling numb, not able to wrap our minds around the fact that this person is no more. That you can not just pick up the phone and arrange to meet. Whenever it does sink in, death hurts.

My sister lost a workmate this week. He had been sick for a while. I did not know him but it came as such a shock for me, we had just been talking about him. Speaking of him interms of "when he comes back to work not if.." My mind quickly went to wondering if he had a family that depended on him; even if he didn't, perhaps a girlfriend with whom they'd made plans, friends they've shared a life time with, a mother or father saddened to bury a child. Around this time last year, I lost a former class mate, Tracy Nanjeru. I saw her picture in the papers this week. We were in the same school for six years, wow. She had been sick too. About a month earlier, I'd lost another friend,Barnett Mwebaze, in a car accident. It was such a big shock. It broke my heart; they were both so young.

As part of my healing process, I wrote this for them;

Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
And the dust returned
With the darling of heaven,
To a tomb he created
But did not own.
Death died.
Life lives. Life reigns.
Out came Spirit
With an open invitation.
Come to me,
Walk with me,
Become just as I AM.
Born of Spirit eternal,from glory I descend.
And thus I shall return,to an even greater glory.
Ashes and dust shall be no more!

See you soon: Tumwesigye Tracey, Mwebaze Barnett, Nanjeru Tracy.

I have hope that I will see them again, all three of them and many others that have gone way before their time. Selah

When a relationship ends, it in itself feels like a death. Sometimes it sinks in immediately, other times it occurs over a period of time. A band that I believe is skilled in producing break up music, The Script, has a song, six degrees of separation, which entails the different stages we usually go through after a break up. When you try and gaze into the future, and you no more have solid weekend plans, it can feel like pouring the last handful of dust on the dreams you had dreamed together and the hopes you had cultivated together. I guess that is why it hurts so much; why it is hard to"remain friends" immediately after. It is still somehow sinking in that a death has occured. It is so easy for us to believe that all has ended, buried, extinct.

The other more common death, a very painful one too is the death of a dream. There are many quotes about how a dream can not really die unless you let it and so on and so forth.There is some truth to that but there are moments when it seems like it has been killed; where you are the only one on your side and everything seems to be falling apart. Your heart breaks, into many pieces, maybe all at once, maybe a piece a day, maybe it will start like cracks but it will break. It is not any less a death or a pain. It is seemingly an end. It is no more

I created this yesterday. For a while now, I have been hearing it in my spirit a lot. To be still and just know that He is God. But how...? It seems really hard when your eyes are full of tears and your chest is heavy with disappointment; when you are anxious about your future because things are not going according to plan. I am learning to take deep breaths, and just look to Him, God. What I forgot to mention is I wrote that piece above while at a church camp, listening to a pastor talk about God and His grace. That is when healing was ministered to my soul, that because death died, it lost the power to ever be the end to anything. Any kind of death.

I have a friend, a special friend, who for a while I did not know how to be friends with because of a host of issues on my part, on his part and on our part as a whole. I chose to run. I figured it was the death of us. God has been teaching me alot about His kind of love, and what it looks like. Unconditional love is scary because it is unusual. The more I ran, the more I seemed to run into my friend. So, I've stopped, I am still, and I know God, the creator of the universe, who holds my heart in His,knows. It wasn't the death of us, God is breathing His kind of life into us.

My favourite scene in C.S. Lewis' The Lion, the Witch and the wardrobe is that part after Azlan returns from the death and is filled with the breath of life. He went to all that had been frozen by the wicked witch and just breathed on them and they were as good as new. God has been leading me to just focus on His magnificence, to rest in just who He is, the one who can reverse death.

Death lost the power to be the end to anything, any and all kinds of death.
 He breathes life into those dreams that seem like they've encountered their dead ends. He creates amazing ways, when you felt like the ground beneath you had crumbled and you had nothing to stand on. Focus on His magnificence, the one who creates with just breath, is anything too hard for Him? Nothing. Ashes and dust are no more indeed. Amen.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Somebody hug me, anybody...PLEASE

My chest hurts. My chest really hurts, it is heavy, I feel like it is weighing me down; breathing feels like such a chore. My voice sounds different and my head hurts. Needless to say, I have a cold; not the running nose kind, but this kind, the kind where your body hurts, internal pains. I need a hug; I promise you wont catch anything, it is not contagious! I really need a hug right about now. A big bear hug, engulfing hug or even a side hug, any kind will do really. Hugs help me heal and I don't need any more cough linctus right now. I need a hug.