Monday, June 24, 2013

Letters to a friend

It was as if you’d cast a spell on me, and I’d let you. Music and Movies have always glorified this kind of feeling, painted it as the way love should be, because if you are not all but consumed It will not last.   

It would be easy for me to say I will never love another the way I loved you, if I had loved you. In hindsight, looking over my shoulder, in fact making a complete turn and gazing deeply into my past. I know, I see that it wasn’t love, what I felt was imprisonment, the things I did though might seem for you were all rooted in selfishness. There were places of no where I gave a yes because you see I wanted to be indispensable in your life. So I gave you what you wanted not what you needed knowing very well, what you need will not come from a person. But hey, at least I could please you then and maybe you’d let me hang around a bit. It was never my intention to stay, oh no, I had to leave you at some point because you were not right for me, this would never work. I used you to appease my boredom and to fill my loneliness which was just a call to draw closer to my Father because you see, something was not right or so I thought; yet that voice was calling me, saying to me, you’ve been made right, I make you right.

From the way things played out, from what is seen on the surface, it may appear you wronged me. But I do not seek an apology but rather to apologise. Forgive me, my friend because I took this light that is inside of me and I hid it. You may fight it, even claim to hate it but I robbed you of an opportunity to see it through me. Forgive me because I played the part of advocate, cheering you on in things that we both know have taken from you and drain you, only to leave you emptier each time around. Forgive me for I did not seek to listen to you because my mind was filled with myself. For everything you said, I only heard that which concerned me, I was on a quest to get you to treasure me or at least something of the sort, and your words instead of being a reflection of your heart, to me where just ammunition. Forgive me for the moments I kept silent when I should have fought you and let you know that the things you do actually affect people, you might have known it, sensed it but you needed to hear it, you needed to see what it looked like. Forgive me.

I have been learning from the Father, leaning and gleaning from Him, healing at His feet, in His embrace. Don’t get me wrong, I felt pain and I cried rivers and rivers of tears and I let each and every one fall in His palm. I have been listening to Him teach me about this thing that I sought from you, Love. The pictures He is painting at first seem strange but then there is something in me that is drawn to His songs. Oh this love that says I will die for you, it is real. It is not just a one-time act of heroism while high on adrenaline but an everyday choice to choose the other over myself.
 If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand (Philippians 2:1-4 The Message)

Love keeps no record of wrong but Love keeps no record of right either; because doing right is not a competition or a sport to gain points that will be redeemable, pick an item of your choice because you have gained 100 points, no. It is not a race about who gets your heart first or who loves you best assuming that we even have parameters of measurement. It is not about who speaks the loudest or can keep quiet the longest, who breaks first or who is the fool; ultimately that to love is not for me, but the other person, to give unto them love in its true sense, listening to what the father tells me to do and I do it; regardless of the climate of the relationship.

It can get exhausting sometimes and amidst many sighs, you may want to scream out loud

“This love is taking its toll on me!” 

But child of Love, love is your true nature and just like so many things that are of you or that are yours, you have to learn to receive them from a place of rest. You learn of your authority and how to stand in it, you learn to believe and hope against hope, you learn to forgive and not return harshness for harshness but all this works because you know of Love, you are loved. Love calls us to a place of rest, stop striving to get what has already been given you. Rest in love and let love flow through you. You see, the father, God, almighty dwells within you, He is love. Love is not just something you do or feel, it is something you be, you are, beloved. 

So, He has been teaching me to rest, He does all the heavy lifting, He is loving through me, opening my eyes, stretching forth my arms, guiding my footsteps and putting the words in my mouth that are of Love. Rebuking falsehood and lies, proclaiming and calling forth truth, lifting and holding where there is weakness and listening, protecting; Covering and revealing. He is showing me a new face of love, the true face of love; He is introducing me to the person of Love. Love that enslaves not but liberates always. Love that never fails.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Yes, I'm a grown woman!!!

"I'm a grown woman, I can do whatever I want" says Beyonce.
Well, Mrs.Jay Z, maybe because you can afford whatever you want, you can even name your children colours or directions like our lovely Kim K. This sounds like the kind of song you sing when the alcohol is kicking in and you are at a girl's night out or in but most likely in because it is much cheaper and you have to sleep at some point to be in time for work the next day, Saturday.

I am a grown woman, I am 23 and about 5 months old, I can already hear 24 knocking and asking me what I have done with my life. Unfortunately, whatever I want has a price attached to it; sometimes it is monetary and other times it is in kind, time, feelings, bla bla...
I am a dreamer and the biggest cheerleader for other people's dreams there is, I dare you to take me up on that! So, ofcourse I have friends calling me out on my dreams encouraging me to take action; sometimes, it is something I see in a blog about living on the edge and I want to scream, I am that girl!!! But I am a grown woman, I have to plan for whatever I want. So this is what grown woman me looks like at the moment

Things I must do!!

1. Bunjee jumping before the year ends...hence save for about 3 months which leaves you with 3 months to the end of the year, will you be able to get time off and travel and will you have company?

2. Get a tattoo, save for it for about 2 months but also look for the best artiste in town and settle on something you will not regret in a place you, still will not regret

3.Start living on my own, might not be feasible for another year because you need a really fat pay cheque for that and currently you are barely making ends meet; are there even any studio apartments where you stay?

4. Just settle for redecorating your room...Save for about 6 months, get maybe 3 extra jobs, that will pay for the paint, the labour, the new furniture and little other thingies you want for your room

5.Learn to value yourself, seriously, you should by now be able to attach a monetary value to time spent doing work for people, your awesome passionately delivered ideas so that you stop barely making ends meet! So, how much are you expecting?

6.Maybe it is about time I figured out how to make money from blogging.

7. Sell my impossible to walk in graduation shoes and buy sensible party shoes because I am a hot powerful, grown a** woman!

I'm a grown woman, I can do whatever I want as long as I can afford it and I wont have to walk to work for half the month for lack of transport or not make plans with friends just because I can't afford to go anywhere.

Growing up is awesome!!!!!