Thursday, January 24, 2013

Saving myself for you

Dear 'the one',

 I have been told over and over again, that what I am supposed to have with you is supposed to be special. There are things about me only you are supposed to know, certain parts only you are supposed to see. So I have been saving these parts for you. There is this place in my heart that is reserved for only you, the more I learn how much of a treasure you truly are meant to be, the bigger it becomes. You see, that is my secret place, sacred grounds, a place only you have the key to and that is where I am saving all these things for you.

I have had a few attempted break in's but that only woke me up. I made the security stronger, no one is going to take what is yours my love. I will fight to the death before I let what is yours become as though for the common individual. I have moved my treasure, our treasure to a further place, we might have to work harder to get to it but it will be worth it, won't it? We shall have each other, the journey will only serve to bring us closer, we shall earn each other's trust because then we shall see that it is us, you and I against the world.

My poker face is getting better, some have been trying to pry information out of me but I will not let them in, they can't even take a peek. After all, when you come along, I will not have to be with them anymore. They complain that I don't give of myself but they don't understand. If I give of myself to them, what will be left for you. Before another gets any bit of me, you must have it. They do not understand that me giving of myself to them is tainting what I have so long kept for only you. There are stories meant for only your eyes, Like how I struggled to get over the fact that I grew up fatherless. They want me to share them.

"it helps with the healing" they say
Why don't they just understand that my wounds are in my safe place? I cannot go there, they are not allowed there, only you.

On my birthday this year, I wanted to do something brave; I wanted to travel and try new foods, dance in the rain and perform poetry on a stage, with an audience. I also wanted to sing in a choir. I stopped myself. How dare I do all this without you? All this can wait,my passions can wait, I have made the lock a little bit tighter, my dreams shall wait. We shall do all of it together. Life can wait.

I had a not so good day today. I was sad and alone, something terrible happened on my way to work this morning. It broke my heart and put a dent in my spirit. I almost got the phone to call Nandi but you will be proud to learn that I didnot. She's not you. This, my vulnerability, my weakness, my pain, only you are allowed to see.

I am saving myself for you my love, there are so many open hands before me, open arms that want to embrace me, experience me. They don't understand,
I am saving myself for you.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Dear me,


Today I learnt that this is an adjective.
 Maybe not a real one;
one of those noun adjectives, like clay
 it is a type of clay used for making fine china.
I learnt that such china is so fine that it is made for delicate hands.
When held up to the light, you can almost see through it.

My porcelain,
This word is both a synonym and antonym to you.
Delicate? The hands that have held you haven't always been.
They have left you with scratches,
cracks and mismatched patterns from patching yourself together.

Very rarely do they see you.
They don't look at YOU.
They don't hold you up to the light.
So the fine lines and patterns they miss;
The finesse with which you've been fashioned by your maker,
Your true essence rooted in your origins
perfected by your paths,
chosen and provided.

My porcelain
Need my hands be delicate?
They've bled on you a couple of times,
when trying to pick up your pieces I've been cut.
Can my hands remain delicate?

At first, my vision was cloudy.
I knew not how to see, you.
Holding you to the light never occurred to me.
But I sought, because I knew,
you are much more than your scars,
your repute or your growl.

I hold you to the light.
Through the cracks I see,
what I've always known you to be,
a precious gem that deserves to be treasured.
To be held delicately in loving hands.
My porcelain.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Letting go...

It seems any blogger worth their salt has to blog about the end of one year and the beginning of another. So many messages in the air about old things and new things and all that it going through my mind is..
"it was monday, then it was tuesday. Doesn't change much"

However ,I do feel the urge to succumb to peer pressure. I feel I have been lukewarm for quite sometime. No, not my body temperature, but my life temperature. A good friend of mine recently told me that she thinks I'm always holding back; as if I'm afraid of fully being me. Maybe she's right and maybe she's wrong, either way I need a 2013 project.

I am one of those people who argues better with people after they are gone or who has no problem giving you a piece of my mind, but in my head. I am always left wanting, wishing, planning...
To give more the next time
" will be better. They better not try it next time because, boy will they get what is coming to them..."
Every once in a while I run into that one person who actually shakes me up until I explode. It is not their fault. They somehow know that there is something within and some have learnt that the only way out is to shake it out, so shaking they shake. The experience always leaves me tired and a tad bit sad. Sad upon realising how much was kept inside and how intense it actually was. I am starting to believe that I am not allowing myself to fully enjoy anything, to live in the moment and not think too much about my next step.

I want to let go and fully be me. I am not sure I know how. This morning I recieved word about a job, I fell in love with it at first sight. I could not wait for my lunch break to edit my resume and tailor it to wow. I knew it was for me. However, the second and third sight scared me a little; that is when I saw all the other requirements that I thought I did not measure up to.I whispered to myself
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..."
Another voice asked me to be realistic.

I am letting go and allowing myself to fall head first, nothing held back. Keep your fingers crossed for me, I am sending in my application. It is about time I started living.

Now, isn't that profound enough for the beginning of a year?