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Today is Easter Monday,the last day of one of the longest holidays in the year. The Easter holiday. It is about Jesus' death and resurrection,my very reason for living. In all honesty,I gave that very little attention this holiday. I wasn't consciously posting messages on face book about it but i think i was,subconsciously living it. I made up my mind before I left school that I was going to rest.
 I would not think about all the deadlines and the pending work and all the things that have apparently gone wrong or seem like they are about to go wrong. I rested and I thank God for it. You see separation from God among other things brings about restlessness. Jesus came that we might have life and have it to the full/more abundantly. I love being home. Ofcourse family is strange,it is a bitter sweet feeling,being around family. The warmth is so tangible but the subtle hurtful comments are also so pronounced. I chose to ignore the negative and focused on the positve i.e roadtrip to masaka on friday to see my granny.
The journey was more fun than the destination,no doubt. Eating roadside chicken has never stopped being fun,chama choma and spilling drinks on our shirts because we were too packed in the back seat and we had a baby on board. Saturday,spending some alone time with one of my sisters who has been away at work, doing girly things(read saloon time). Easter sunday was all about the food,which I am proud to say I enjoyed being part of the preparation team. So monday is here and I have to go back to the real world but I'm rested and ready for everything. God tells me all things work together for good,He also tell me to cast my cares upon Him,he also tells me that I am loved so I have nothing to fear.

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That is what it feels like on the inside. I can't seem to find the words to make sense of what my life has become. I say I am becoming miserable because I seem to desire that which is wrong for me while desiring to not desire it. Too much monotony, every song seems too much of the same thing, the same instruments, the same beats, singing or whining about the same thing. Frustration so deep within that I have lost my appetite, my will to live,surely there has got to be more.  I WANT TO BE MORE THAN OK!!!!! what happened Glo, what happened? I keep asking myself, waiting for Easter holiday, thinking maybe then, I will feel good about life. Aha! isn't that where i got it wrong? the feeling part....I have a friend who keeps saying,in whatever argument "no,it is what I know" life isn't about what you feel, see, think even but what do you know? Let me see, what do I know? John 1;12. I am a child of the most high God and he adores me. Yes he adores me,in whatever state I am in. I have just read a friend's blog where I was mentioned and she said me and another friend get great revelation of word because maybe we pray a lot and read our bibles a lot. False!!! I don't remember the last time I had a proper personal prayer or bible reading session. Now that is the true definition of grace. somehow the circumstances of life and the people around can without meaning to get you to step out of grace and into works. Sometimes you might be rested in grace,seriously chilling and enjoying receiving from God like you ought to and someone in not so many direct words makes you feel you are not doing enough. Of course you can never do enough, that is why I got saved. I recognised, nothing I could ever do would ever be enough. So, why am I letting a few bad days, or weeks, at times months, a fault here and a mistake there get me down. My worth is not in what I do. I am a child of God and guess what, He knows my weaknesses and loves me still. He knows more than any of you will ever know unless of course you become my husband, but He will still know more. He identifies with my weaknesses! like the psalmist says "..such knowledge is too high for me, I cannot contain it.." That is what I know and that's what I am standing on. The strong rock of the word of God even as the Spirit of God who is my tightee by the way, working on becoming bestos, bears witness with me on all these. deep sigh. Thank you father for reminding me.

Perfectly imperfect

 Mirror mirror on the wall, what do you have against me? Just having one of those days I guess. I look at the person staring back at me with artwork on her face and I sigh. I remember when at 11, tiny protrusions started appearing on my face. I didn't like them no doubt and my best friend told me they didn't look bad "..they look cute.." were her words, yeah, not when they are on your face. The media and society is filled with ideas and advice on how to fight these little things that have plagued my face for years. The under lying message being, there is something wrong with your face, with you, this is how to fix it.

Many a time, I have closed my eyes and tried to imagine what I'd look like without my friends. strange things are happening to me, I'm starting to not mind them, to like them even. There is a certain look I have,that they give me. Yesterday I was watching a video of myself. A webcam video and the one thing that stood out the most was my mouth! The size of that gap! Did someone knock out my front teeth. Growing up, that used to be an issue. I never smiled in the pictures because I just couldn't bear it, as if people didn't see it enough when I was talking. Last week I changed the cover photo for my Facebook timeline. I put a beautiful picture of mostly my face,and a wide grin plastered across it. I sigh, I think I love that picture. I love every thing wrong about the girl in that picture. Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most beautifully imperfect of them all?

Time's windows

I recently was looking at an old picture of mine. A passport size photograph actually, taken at the beginning of 2009. I used that ID for over a year and the only thing I noticed about the picture is I looked angry, which I have come to discover is my normal look as long as I am not smiling. This time round, three years later, I saw something different. I was sort of taken aback. I couldn't recognise the girl in the picture. She looked broken and tired. The pain in her eyes is unmistakable and the look on her face...fighting to be strong, not knowing if she still knew how. My mind went on a little trip down memory lane not just to that day but to that time. I put my hand to my chest, rubbed it a bit,as if feeling for the scars on my heart, as if soothing the wounds, my mind had taken my heart with it to its trip. The memories felt so fresh as I looked at that girl. I wondered how I ever made it out alive, out of that pain. I am not that girl anymore but that picture creates knots in my chest. Looking at it is just like looking through a window to that point in time, three years ago.

Life

Hi my name is Gloria and I am a writer. I haven't written as much or as well as I wish I would. I could blame it on the fact that I find myself involved in a lot lately. Sometimes I feel like I am losing myself; losing myself in the tiny details of day to day living. One day I'm up, the next, I'm down like never before.I have about five months left to finish school. You'd think that would be the most exciting moment of my life. I find myself worrying, anxious about the next few months; wondering if I will finish strong. I am constantly second guessing myself, an old habit that I must get rid of. Life is a war but you have to choose your battles wisely and you have to know which side you are fighting on. The strangest things have been happening to me. Both good and bad strange. Opportunities coming my way and Goliath's brothers or cousins showing their ugly heads. I am finding myself fighting battles that I thought I had won a long time ago. I guess, no,I know all this is because I don't spend as much time with the Lord as I ought in as much as I'm always at church. It's just that I feel like I do not know how to pray anymore. Dear Lord,I believe, your Grace is sufficient.

2012 so far

So we are about 13 days,almost two weeks into the year. Not much is happening.Yet! I began my year on a good note. I spent my first week at  a camp facilitating 12-18 year olds. It was fun hard work. Now that I am back, I don't really know what to do with myself. God has been so good to me. Indeed this is the year of the Lord's favour. So I have actually got a chance to work on radio. It is still voluntary and background staff but still....I have got one foot in the door. I am sooooooooooo EXCITED!!!!!! GOD has a way of working in the background that I just don't get. He answers prayers in the most unexpected of ways. Now, all I am working on is the magazine thing, plus TV. I so excited i can't even write.

Truth be told

I used to be so totally honest on my blog because I thought no one paid any attention to it. It was like my other journal. I'd say the things I want to tell but scared to speak up. I'm a bit skeptical now,shy to be exact. I'm about to stop giving out my url because the blog reveals a side of me many rarely notice. So there is a certain joy in my life. The first half of this year was kind of rough and confusing for me. The last part however couldn't have been better. Something happened at camp. I met God but I also met people. So I have been discovering new things about God,myself and these people. There are many special ones but there is also a particular one. Yes it is a he. I cant describe him really. Even thinking about him right now has got my heart all up in knots and a smile playing at my lips. A special kind of person,I spent 8 days at camp and the only two times I wrote in my journal was about him.There is just something about him, I have been drawn to him straight from the start. I am not dreaming babies and weddings,no. It is just that,he inspires me alot.

The funny thing is there is nothing I find as endearing as his imperfections.I think about him A LOT.Of course I can't help but wonder if he thinks of me ever. I love being around him. I don't get butterflies or shortness of breath and amazingly at times around him I lose my words so I can be more quiet than usual. It is just a sweet feeling of contentment and appreciation for the person on the inside. Just because I know him a and get to talk to him every once in a while,my life feels so enriched. Does it make any sense? to me,most often not. There is a line in Brooke Fraser's "the thief", which says "you're breaking into my heart and I'm letting you". Some days I feel like that. So I smile and not ask why,I'm living in the moment and enjoying it, a lot!