Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I really did not mean to miss you

It is just one of those days after having one of those nights. A lot of silence around me, which silence causes me to hear the voices within, voices from thought and from memory. I feel like I am doing life wrong.

I erased them, all of them. I deleted that message thread. How sad that 95% of our relationship was erasable. At that point, I felt I needed to do it; not because I could not stand the sight of your name but because I was done aiding my trips down memory lane. I looked for them last night though, none. All I have is what is recent, somewhat cold and laboured conversation. Is it strange that it made me a little bit sad? You know how many songs have that cliche line of "I no longer see myself in your eyes", well, I no longer see me in your words. I kind of wish I had those messages, the ones that prove that it hasn't always been like this; but to what end?

I remember how it was, even without evidence to the fact, I remember how it felt. I did not see it coming. It kind of just happened. There really wasn't much guessing on your part. It was just a wrong time and I was afraid of the things you were saying. You tried to woo me out of my many shells covered with shadows of past events. I tried to convince myself to both run away and give in at the same time. Whatever happened happened. Sometimes I miss you. I miss those days of uncertain sweet emotions and silent smiles. I miss the exchangie of art, which was in a way, our own way of showing our hearts.

I want to tell you I miss you but that seems so inadequate. I miss you. So what? It feels like such a cliche sentence, insincere...after all it is not all the time. It only happens on nights like these, when alone; when it has been a tough day and the silence seems louder than usual. It only happens when I feel I have to make up excuses to send you a message, when I start plucking imaginary rose petals chanting "he'll reply; maybe not", when I get excited to see a message from you and feel my heart sink that yes, I do not see me in your words anymore.

I really did not mean to miss you; I was just having one of those moments. It will pass, like us, it will soon be a thing of the past.