Hostage

So last night I had this dream
where you held my hand;
and even in the dream
I knew this was a special moment
because even in the dream
that simple act had my heart racing and aching
longing to freeze that moment
which is often but a fleeting one…

the other day you came and stood behind me

you bent over my shoulder to reach for something

and the breaths became deeper and slower

trying to savor and keep

yet attempting to fight

the reaction my blood was having to the scent of you

praying you do not see my shaking

struggling to find my thoughts again

but now I wakeand your hand slips out of mine

as must you from my heart

because you have eyes for another

You have taken me hostage 

but you keep from making demands

Tell me, I beseech you 

what I must do to free myself

 from this hold that you have me in

Things Fall apart (Journeys)

Last night, I prayed. I did not set out to pray however. It was 2 am and I was still awake. I had switched off the lights in a bid to get myself to sleep. I was in a good mood, having written my first two pieces of the year. Trying to fall asleep when on a writing high is never a wise move, but here I was, taking it. It was Monday. I had to be up in a few hours for work; and so last night, I prayed. I talked to God about me. I apologise, there was nothing in there about the newly passed bills, mostly myself.

“Wow, Lord, it has been a while” I started off with what seems like small talk. It had been a while since I by myself said “I am going to pray”. That does not however mean God and I have not been in touch. We must have been in touch; otherwise there is no explanation for my current state of calm and hopefulness. Memories flooded my mind of some Wednesday about 2 weeks back when the day was so bad that I wanted to cry, and how a phone call from my sister had saved the day; of that week at work that was literally(wrong use) from hell and how in the middle of typing sentences, I would pause and ask for strength because I simply could not go on but had to; of monologues I constantly have regarding the things I have known to be true and my current state of questioning them.

So yes, maybe for this in the dark, all by myself prayer, it had been a long while.

I have not consistently been to a church service in over a year. I do not remember the last time I had bible study. Please do not get me wrong, I am not bragging. The last church service I attended was a dear friend’s funeral. The bible study I have these days is not the conventional bible study. I have been reading a book that has both brought to question and in some cases illuminated scriptures I have known for a while, quoted and even stood on. I have not really read any new scriptures, I have done more of meditating on the ones I already knew (or at least I thought I did) in light of these new things I am discovering.

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I wrote that about 2 or 3 weeks back. I tried attending a church service 3 days ago. I hadn’t really planned on it even though I had been thinking about it. My original plan was to go get my nails done, but since church was just across the road, I figured I might drop by. So it comes as no surprise that when I found a really long line at the nail shop, I took a walk to church. Everything felt so strange. I was used to going to church by myself, what I am not used to, because it hasn’t happened in years is not seeing anyone I knew in the crowd. I got in just at the moment for the prayer that we usually have after the music. I quickly scanned the church for the least populated area and made my way to that seat, stood awkwardly as everyone prayed. Like I said, it has been a while since I have been part of such communal prayer. Also, we now have a waterfall at the place where the drummer used to sit, right there dead centre, that kind of threw me off. I couldn’t switch them off, those pesky thoughts

“Oh we have a waterfall? Why do we have a waterfall?” plus I was sort of hungry and for some strange reason sleepy.

Unfortunately for me, I was not on my pew long before people chose to join me. The dude (the one who speaks before the pastor) asked us to high 5 our neighbour and my closest neighbour was far from me but he decided to move closer. After we had settled down, the dude said it was time for us to watch church news as we give.

We were then asked to share a testimony from our week with our neighbour which was great because I like that sort of thing. And he went on to say, we give because we are grateful for what the Lord has done for us; bam! Another one of those pesky questions and thoughts.

“So we give him money?” but I have done it forever and so I gave. Anyway, after this, the pastor came and told us about the series that he had been teaching on, especially for us who were there for the first time. However something was wrong, I kept feeling sleepier, kept fumbling with my phone and I even received a call from work which I ignored, my phone was on vibrate anyway. Oh but the work people insisted and so I excused myself to deal with whatever emergency it was. Afterwards I walked out; I did not go back inside for the sermon. I ran into a friend outside and we just sat and talked. A few more came by, stopped for a little bit, asked where I have been all this time and they promised to follow me up.

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I did not wake up one day and decide that I have stopped going for church services. In fact, I have not stopped, I just haven’t been to a church service in a long while and I am okay with it. I am even okay with the fact that I question the pastor’s and the dude’s statements. That never used to be the case. At first, I was so afraid of “losing” my faith that I was never honest when I had doubts. I never dared to ask nor talk about those things. I have been in the asking place for roughly 2 years now. Within the past 2 years, I have met people like me, who are believers but askers also, those who are not so into the believing thing but doubt what I believe and those who just presented so many options. I used to be afraid of these people; they “stumbled” me; they were in a sense planting seeds of doubt in my heart. Right now I feel like thanking them instead.

Cue in, How far we've come- Matchbox Twenty :)

I believe life and faith are a journey. I do not think we ever arrive, otherwise that’d be like saying they are static and the same for all. I am on a journey; 2 years ago, I never could have, for the life of me thought I would be here today, but I am and it’s okay.

Taken not given

Sometimes you meet a really nice guy and you are taken aback for a bit because you need more than the usual few seconds to try and comprehend this person. There are times while in the middle of a conversation, you could swear you left your body a little bit and watched history being made because there is no way your life is going to be the same. Such beauty has unfortunately been abused and packaged in a very ordinary box that has been labelled cliché. You dare not mention that there is a special-ness that can not necessarily be fit into the boundaries of diction because that is simply not realistic; a presence that seems to saturate the air around the moment filling your lungs and through your blood engraving itself on your memory and sinking far beyond that place of reason.

Have you ever had one of those days where the odds seem to be in your favour and you indeed agree that the lines have fallen in favourable places for you but you just can’t find your ummmpphh? You walk around choosing to audibly and on purpose point out all that is good, no, great with the day; Things like the sky being bluer than ever, strangers going out of their way for you and the simple joy of tasting amazing food but in vain. The fight seems to progress with the hour hand, wondering whether to be honest about your disposition or fight what seems to be your ungratefulness blinding you to the blessing that is your life.

I once read a book that had me in tears, actually I have encountered about 3 such books in my entire reading life. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I encountered artistry that carried within it truth and promise that resonated with un-named things in my being, calling forth…me. I was brought face to face with an aspect of self that had not come to surface because the avenues had been lacking and yet there I was through the words of another finding myself. I let them flow as I drew breaths from deep places attempting to re-assign stability to the ground that was beginning to feel like straw in a windy field, soon to be everywhere but where you want it to be.

For a long time now, I have been trying to explain to mostly myself the unusualness of what triggers dopamine release into my system. I have carried out experiments, documented (in my head), the results, put them side by side and tried to come up with deductions. Needless to say, I have failed because I am not even sure what it is that I am writing about in this very sentence. Over the years, I have grown and a lot has changed about me. My principles have moved from hardly existing to extremely significant to being constantly questioned, mostly by myself. During heart-wrenching moments and dream ridden nights, I came to a conclusion that this, my heart, is not given. I have tried to give it to those who seem right and deserving, to those who endeavor to protect it and seek it out with little success. I have told myself over and over again that these are the ones I have been waiting for and over and over again, I have not taken to heart my own words. However, on some days, I have been caught off guard; by a statement, a way of life, a perspective and a “je ne sais quoi” element that has had me take a few steps back to try and take it all in. Just like those three books, a voice has broken through to parts not so familiar yet so right. 

I have indeed concluded that this heart of mine is taken not given.

Please Jesus, Hold me down

Here I am, in this place of waiting. It took me a while to realise what this place was. At first, I worked so hard to move, keeping my destination in sight and getting frustrated when I did not seem to be making headway. Until finally, just like the Israelites in Jeremiah's time; I heard His voice push past all the false prophets in my head, telling me I was to stay. I will say it is not the directive I wanted to hear from my love, my father, my guide. I wanted Him to say, just like He said to Abraham,go; but instead I felt like David, annointed to be king by God's prophet, slaying giants but still hiding in caves from those who want to take my life. However, it is not my life I was fighting for,it was my dream:

"Why is it taking so long?" my entire being was asking me, and I had no idea what to say.

"I want to take a drink of that water so I never thirst/ from a source that's beyond measure when I have new birth/ I want to tap into that treasure spread its wealth on earth./ Nifunu kula mizu mizu, I want to be rooted." Mizu-Pompi

Those are lines from a song I discovered about a month back. It's timing was rather strange. I had just lost a friend,a young man who loved to minister through music and I had questions. I was really sad but also inspired by Mac's life, how he gave it all. I asked what the purpose for my life was. What was the point of just going to work and my only contribution to the world being making someone else richer? This song played on radio early in the morning and it just brought to remembrance the opening verses of Isaiah 55

"Wait and listen, everyone who is thirsty! Come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Yes, come, buy [priceless, spiritual] wine and milk without money and without price [simply for the self-surrender that accepts the blessing].

² Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your earnings for what does not satisfy? Hearken diligently to Me, and eat what is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness [the profuseness of spiritual joy]."

I wanted to find my purpose,my calling, my place; that which the Lord set before the foundations of the earth for me. I was restless but sad as well. I was simply in a place of asking. I had been asking the Lord for direction concerning certain things in my life but the death of my friend just intensified the desire. I have had "Mizu" on replay since the day I found it. I want to take a drink of that water so that I never thirst and I so want to tap into that treasure and spread its wealth on earth. Earlier on, I wrote a post: Papa knows best, about how my God knows and sees even that which I do not and I will wait on His leading. What I did not know is how long I would be in the waiting place.

So, here I am, in the waiting place,fellowshipping with my Lord. Here I am in the waiting place, learning things that require me to sit and listen. Here I am in the waiting place,finding contentment in Him. Here I am in the waiting place, finding once again that I was made for His delight and just like Martha,I hear Him asking me to sit, to choose that which is greater, it is not always about the run around. Here I am in the waiting place, learning that it is okay if all I do in life is to delight myself in Him. Here I am learning, my life is not my own,that I am dead,now Christ lives. Here I am learning how to live from Him vs living for Him. Here I am being the Beloved and trusting He will not let go of me nor leave my side; and here in Him is where I am.

Motions

It kind of feels like we have broken up; Reading things I wrote about you before and a bunch of other things, I might know why. This is my theory. We eased into it; our beginning, felt more like a continuation, and then we had a steady flow of interaction. Isn’t this what happens to any relationship? We are having our down time. It is not entirely a bad thing. I kind of needed it because you sort of had me awed. I needed to step back; we needed to start afresh, as friends; not as that cool guy I had been dying to meet. Not that guy that at some point I thought I was trying to impress; it did become a tad bit confusing. I knew it was time to step back when I got jealous, I felt it running deep in my veins at a time when I was kind of sensitive, more inclined towards negative energy than anything else. I wanted so much from people and unfortunately, no one gave me what I wanted. That is because I have to ask for it. I caught a glimpse of the old me, dropping hints, testing waters, to see who would be interested, then I stopped. People have problems, let me just listen to theirs and let God sort me out. 

Dear God, I think you and I have a lot of un resolved issues; which I believe I am trying to cover over with scripture promises and music. The hugs are awkward now. They feel really awkward, but it could just be me. I miss my friend.

Hiding

I think everyone has a hiding place in their house, especially if you share said house. If on the other hand, you live on your own, your home might be your hiding place. My favourite hiding place is the bathroom; and not the bathroom with the showers and all, I actually mean toilet. It is a pretty neat little room, bright white tiles, mirror and privacy. No one expects you to talk to them while there and you do not have to explain why the door is locked, it has to be.

Have you ever felt so much tension around you that you could cut it with a knife if you tried? That happens alot, at home, at work and in meetings at times. My most natural reaction is to run. I hate conflict. I feel the resistance rising up within me. But worse still, are moments of pain, when you do not know what to do, when you are overwhelmed by your own helplessness. It is times like these that I run, I run and hide in the bathroom. I stay there and wonder for how long I can stay before I have to get out there. I stay in there, taking deep breaths,saying prayers in a language only God understands and looking, searching desperately for the strength to go back.

The other day I was listening to a sermon by T.D Jakes when he said something about a portion of scripture I like, Psalms 91:1;

"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most high shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty" 

He said when you are under the shadow of the almighty, the devil won't see you coming! This reminded me of a situation in one of the most amazing books I've ever read "Piercing the darkness" by Frank. E. Peretti; There was a lady who was under attack by demons, they were chasing her down and the angels hid her, the demons would move right past her and not see her. Of course, she did not know what was happening but she was under the shadow of the Almighty.

On monday,this week, after a trying and overly emotional weekend, I chanced upon a Joseph Prince sermon(I listen to a lot of sermons) Rest in Jesus' faith for Miracles. It was great revelation because many times, I am tired and too aware of my own weakness and that is why I run. Not all running is physical. Sometimes we run by hiding in our work,loads and loads of work! Other times it is parties or movies or video games, we run from our helplessness and our feelings. A lot of great truth is in this sermon; but the most profound thing to me was, "It is because of Jesus' perfect faith that I am blessed". So, now I can pray that Lord Jesus,I thank you that you have faith that by your stripes I am healed. At this point I am reminded that Jesus sits at the right hand of the father,interceding for us and He has perfect faith! (See Romans 8:34)

That picture is currently my phone wall paper. It is something I meditate on. It is a symbol that my Jesus is with me, and that He is holding me and I can rest in Him. I can hide in Him.

^"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ^[h]ease and relieve and ^[i]refresh ^[j]your souls.] Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (^[k]relief and ease and refreshment and ^[l]recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls. For My yoke is wholesome (useful, ^[m]good—not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne." Matthew 11:28-30

Papa knows best

Yesterday was 9th October, Independence day for our dear Uganda, the pearl of Africa. Yes. Winston, I agree with you. Independence, something that we usually fight for. We speak up about our rights because we would love the freedom to make our own decisions, wrong as they may be, atleast they will be ours.

I attend an amazing "bible study" every monday night. I say "bible study" because we do not always show up, say hi and turn our bibles to this book, chapter this and that. Don't get me wrong, we do study just not in the conventional way. It is in this bible study that I have met some of the most amazing people I will ever have the previlage of knowing for as long as I shall live. A little while back, we got a visitor. A one Fredrick who had just moved with his wife and 2 year old son as missionaries to Uganda from the United States. Why? God told him to. I have been relating with God for sometime and yet I still find myself in awe of the concept of direct instruction from God; about everyday things. However, over the course of a couple of weeks, I noticed that this is how he lived his life. Fredrick asks God about anything and everything. Selah. (Take a moment, pause and reflect) He even asked God the exact day, their unborn child would come into the world.

The past month or so has been quite different for me. I work for a consultancy and we are in a boom period, the blessings of God in terms of work coming in have just set camp in our office. We are grateful for the gift of work, thank you father. This however meant being busier than usual and often times feeling super exhausted. A few other things were happening outside of work and I felt like there was too much noise in my head. Too many decisions to make that carried a high risk with them. Thoughts like

"What if I totally blow it?" or "I just am not good enough" were regulars in my mind. Needless to say, I have been restless.

Yesterday, I attended a worship afternoon hosted by Seventh Harmony. As I sat there, listening to beautiful people make beautiful music with their mouths, I just couldn't believe my luck, that I knew, in person, people who sound that good. One of the members shared about God being the good Shepherd and his sheep knowing his voice. Wow. Another shared about the steps of the righteous being ordered by the Lord. Double wow. 

"That used to be one of my favourite scriptures" I whispered to my neighbour, "It has just occured to me that it has been a while since I quoted, let alone remembered or meditated upon its significance"

I have been restless because I've had so many variables to look at. I had so many decisions to make. There were quite a number of paths and I had to decide whether I should choose one and go or simply just stay. I have felt overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness at certain situations yet at the same time feeling like I ought to be able to do something. Like I said, too much noise in my head. But as I sang along to hymns and sweet songs that took me back to school fellowships, I was reminded that God loves me. He wants to be involved in my life. I do not have to do this all by myself. 

"But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you." John 14:26 Amplified

Counselor, according to Microsoft word, some of the synonyms for this word are Therapist and social worker but allow me to refer to what I think is the origin of this word, counsel. A counselor, one who gives counsel. Therapists, are not taught to give you solutions but rather to help you think through whatever the issue is and find your own solutions. The holy-spirit however, is more than that. He gives counsel. He tells us exactly what to do, when to do it and how to do it. He sees the end from the beginning but everyday as it happens as well. He knows which paths are dropping with fatness and which route is best. He knows what you were created to do because He knows what He put in you to do that. God wants you to know. He does not delight in my restlessness.

Over the past couple of days, I have been reminded of this. My father's desire to be ever present in all I do. But more so, my need to surrender, to be sheep that allows to be led by a shepherd, listening for his voice, his direction. To let Him lead me by still waters. Papa knows best and from Papa, I choose to take my counsel.