This one's for you

I have been feeling exultant these past 2 days,it started Monday evening. I find that I am so easily amused and very deeply so. It is as if a couple of stand-up comedians have taken residence on the inside of me and just keep tickling me, like maybe Trevor Noah is constantly whispering lines in my ear, as if I am the victim of a nitrous oxide explosion and I just can’t help the joy… I feel so light I might just fly. My breaths are deep, my smile is wide and my laughter…well, I laughed myself to tears upon remembering some awful awful cover of John Legend’s all of me that I found on the internet.

Do you ever have one of those “it gets over me in a rush/and I realize that I love you so much…” moments? I would like to dedicate this post to a very special and close friend of mine whose name I will not mention because why should I?   We were chatting on Skype and I felt this amazing feeling rise up within me and for the first time in the not so short time we’ve known each other, I said to myself “I really love this person”; of course I’ve had moments where I look back on time spent together and I appreciate how much I enjoy his company but today, it felt more like “awww…you’re like my honey bunny special munchkin”, and we are not even the mushy type, not that kind of friendship.

I love our conversations. Today, I read an article about how to appropriately and effectively ask the culture fit question during interviews. I am a recruiter so of course such things do have a way they grab my attention. One of the questions suggested was, “on a beautiful day when you are relaxed and chilling with your best friend, what kind of things are you having a deep and serious conversation about?” Or something like that. First of all, you were the first one to come to mind when I read that question, (because it seems there are not many I talk to much by choice) and how we have conversations about alternate universes and people-like operating systems and time travel, and how effortless and interesting it all is even when we argue and disagree. You are my best conversation friend right now, I am most likely not yours but that’s okay, I do not have to be and that is awesome!

I love how remarkable you are when I am beating down on myself or hating on the world for stuff that hasn’t gone right. How, you, with a straight face tell me that in an alternate universe or in a different time line, that girl whose life I wish I had because she has it all together and is following her dream and living mine too, wishes she were me and how when I groan about how jealous I am you say, still with so much conviction how there are so many out there saying the exact thing about my life, so jealous of me and you present a really good argument.

I think your passion for your work is inspiring. I think everyone should love their work like that; better yet, everyone should have something they are passionate about for a job. I used to wonder about your love for batman, that was until I watched the dark knight and the dark knight rises all in one evening. I think I get it and I think I agree. You are batman. I cannot explain it, but I get it. Aside from the obvious, I mean who wouldn’t want to own such an R&D department, with such cool gadgets?!!!

I have met and interacted with a reasonable number of poets, picked their brains on some issues and what they like to read. You are by far the least likely poetry lover I have had the privilege of meeting; and the pieces you choose and like and know and share and talk about are special and not so ordinary. Some of your thoughts are like that too, I have ever asked you if you realized how poetic you are, when you were simply stating the kinds of feelings listening to some music gave you, and you gave imagery that some of us struggle to find for our written work

Aaahhhh…music, hmmm…we have some in common, we have great taste, of course; and then there is music I absolutely love that you can’t stand and I find that extremely amusing. I always know you will not like these songs when I start to talk about them but somehow I still want to mention them; and when I defend them, citing message and relate ability, you give me others that could easily replace mine. How is it that you have a song for everything? I say you have very high standards, you say those songs are just bad.

I can’t come up with an exhaustive list because words can’t fully define a person or a relationship or a feeling. I think words succeed most at describing other words. So today, from deep within me, allow me to attempt to convey this indescribable appreciation I have for you my mr. high standards. There, you can go ahead and blush.

Oh and cats…why do you like cats? Anyway, every joke about cats is funnier because I know you like them and we all know the internet loves cats and I love the internet, it is all one big circle of things that do not necessarily benefit the world but okay…so, thank you!!!

la douleur exquise

My muse left me
and I had to let go
I did one of those
if you love something
let it go
and if it was meant to be...
but how long must I wait
before I know for sure
if you will return
My muse left
with a piece of me
and now my verse is void
of the light that he inspired
feelings so raw
they jump off the pages
take me back in time
and beg me to bring you back
Where are you?
I loved the way I loved you
I loved you shyly
always wanting to be next to you
but keeping my distance
not sure I could still manage
to hide what I couldn't explain
I loved you certainly
taking it one day at a time
Without wavering
embracing what you stirred in me
I loved you deeply
from a place I did not know I had
a river sprung and ran steadfast
at times slow
Sometimes gushing
and taking all thought and reason with it
I loved you simply
longing to serve you
honoured to have
an opportunity to give to you
any bit of me
I loved you purely
Jealously guarding you
from the demons of my past
slaying dragons
that dared to advance towards your castle
I loved you...
I love you without reason

Hostage

So last night I had this dream
where you held my hand;
and even in the dream
I knew this was a special moment
because even in the dream
that simple act had my heart racing and aching
longing to freeze that moment
which is often but a fleeting one…

the other day you came and stood behind me

you bent over my shoulder to reach for something

and the breaths became deeper and slower

trying to savor and keep

yet attempting to fight

the reaction my blood was having to the scent of you

praying you do not see my shaking

struggling to find my thoughts again

but now I wakeand your hand slips out of mine

as must you from my heart

because you have eyes for another

You have taken me hostage 

but you keep from making demands

Tell me, I beseech you 

what I must do to free myself

 from this hold that you have me in

Things Fall apart (Journeys)

Last night, I prayed. I did not set out to pray however. It was 2 am and I was still awake. I had switched off the lights in a bid to get myself to sleep. I was in a good mood, having written my first two pieces of the year. Trying to fall asleep when on a writing high is never a wise move, but here I was, taking it. It was Monday. I had to be up in a few hours for work; and so last night, I prayed. I talked to God about me. I apologise, there was nothing in there about the newly passed bills, mostly myself.

“Wow, Lord, it has been a while” I started off with what seems like small talk. It had been a while since I by myself said “I am going to pray”. That does not however mean God and I have not been in touch. We must have been in touch; otherwise there is no explanation for my current state of calm and hopefulness. Memories flooded my mind of some Wednesday about 2 weeks back when the day was so bad that I wanted to cry, and how a phone call from my sister had saved the day; of that week at work that was literally(wrong use) from hell and how in the middle of typing sentences, I would pause and ask for strength because I simply could not go on but had to; of monologues I constantly have regarding the things I have known to be true and my current state of questioning them.

So yes, maybe for this in the dark, all by myself prayer, it had been a long while.

I have not consistently been to a church service in over a year. I do not remember the last time I had bible study. Please do not get me wrong, I am not bragging. The last church service I attended was a dear friend’s funeral. The bible study I have these days is not the conventional bible study. I have been reading a book that has both brought to question and in some cases illuminated scriptures I have known for a while, quoted and even stood on. I have not really read any new scriptures, I have done more of meditating on the ones I already knew (or at least I thought I did) in light of these new things I am discovering.

~**************************~

I wrote that about 2 or 3 weeks back. I tried attending a church service 3 days ago. I hadn’t really planned on it even though I had been thinking about it. My original plan was to go get my nails done, but since church was just across the road, I figured I might drop by. So it comes as no surprise that when I found a really long line at the nail shop, I took a walk to church. Everything felt so strange. I was used to going to church by myself, what I am not used to, because it hasn’t happened in years is not seeing anyone I knew in the crowd. I got in just at the moment for the prayer that we usually have after the music. I quickly scanned the church for the least populated area and made my way to that seat, stood awkwardly as everyone prayed. Like I said, it has been a while since I have been part of such communal prayer. Also, we now have a waterfall at the place where the drummer used to sit, right there dead centre, that kind of threw me off. I couldn’t switch them off, those pesky thoughts

“Oh we have a waterfall? Why do we have a waterfall?” plus I was sort of hungry and for some strange reason sleepy.

Unfortunately for me, I was not on my pew long before people chose to join me. The dude (the one who speaks before the pastor) asked us to high 5 our neighbour and my closest neighbour was far from me but he decided to move closer. After we had settled down, the dude said it was time for us to watch church news as we give.

We were then asked to share a testimony from our week with our neighbour which was great because I like that sort of thing. And he went on to say, we give because we are grateful for what the Lord has done for us; bam! Another one of those pesky questions and thoughts.

“So we give him money?” but I have done it forever and so I gave. Anyway, after this, the pastor came and told us about the series that he had been teaching on, especially for us who were there for the first time. However something was wrong, I kept feeling sleepier, kept fumbling with my phone and I even received a call from work which I ignored, my phone was on vibrate anyway. Oh but the work people insisted and so I excused myself to deal with whatever emergency it was. Afterwards I walked out; I did not go back inside for the sermon. I ran into a friend outside and we just sat and talked. A few more came by, stopped for a little bit, asked where I have been all this time and they promised to follow me up.

~**************************~

I did not wake up one day and decide that I have stopped going for church services. In fact, I have not stopped, I just haven’t been to a church service in a long while and I am okay with it. I am even okay with the fact that I question the pastor’s and the dude’s statements. That never used to be the case. At first, I was so afraid of “losing” my faith that I was never honest when I had doubts. I never dared to ask nor talk about those things. I have been in the asking place for roughly 2 years now. Within the past 2 years, I have met people like me, who are believers but askers also, those who are not so into the believing thing but doubt what I believe and those who just presented so many options. I used to be afraid of these people; they “stumbled” me; they were in a sense planting seeds of doubt in my heart. Right now I feel like thanking them instead.

Cue in, How far we've come- Matchbox Twenty :)

I believe life and faith are a journey. I do not think we ever arrive, otherwise that’d be like saying they are static and the same for all. I am on a journey; 2 years ago, I never could have, for the life of me thought I would be here today, but I am and it’s okay.

Taken not given

Sometimes you meet a really nice guy and you are taken aback for a bit because you need more than the usual few seconds to try and comprehend this person. There are times while in the middle of a conversation, you could swear you left your body a little bit and watched history being made because there is no way your life is going to be the same. Such beauty has unfortunately been abused and packaged in a very ordinary box that has been labelled cliché. You dare not mention that there is a special-ness that can not necessarily be fit into the boundaries of diction because that is simply not realistic; a presence that seems to saturate the air around the moment filling your lungs and through your blood engraving itself on your memory and sinking far beyond that place of reason.

Have you ever had one of those days where the odds seem to be in your favour and you indeed agree that the lines have fallen in favourable places for you but you just can’t find your ummmpphh? You walk around choosing to audibly and on purpose point out all that is good, no, great with the day; Things like the sky being bluer than ever, strangers going out of their way for you and the simple joy of tasting amazing food but in vain. The fight seems to progress with the hour hand, wondering whether to be honest about your disposition or fight what seems to be your ungratefulness blinding you to the blessing that is your life.

I once read a book that had me in tears, actually I have encountered about 3 such books in my entire reading life. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I encountered artistry that carried within it truth and promise that resonated with un-named things in my being, calling forth…me. I was brought face to face with an aspect of self that had not come to surface because the avenues had been lacking and yet there I was through the words of another finding myself. I let them flow as I drew breaths from deep places attempting to re-assign stability to the ground that was beginning to feel like straw in a windy field, soon to be everywhere but where you want it to be.

For a long time now, I have been trying to explain to mostly myself the unusualness of what triggers dopamine release into my system. I have carried out experiments, documented (in my head), the results, put them side by side and tried to come up with deductions. Needless to say, I have failed because I am not even sure what it is that I am writing about in this very sentence. Over the years, I have grown and a lot has changed about me. My principles have moved from hardly existing to extremely significant to being constantly questioned, mostly by myself. During heart-wrenching moments and dream ridden nights, I came to a conclusion that this, my heart, is not given. I have tried to give it to those who seem right and deserving, to those who endeavor to protect it and seek it out with little success. I have told myself over and over again that these are the ones I have been waiting for and over and over again, I have not taken to heart my own words. However, on some days, I have been caught off guard; by a statement, a way of life, a perspective and a “je ne sais quoi” element that has had me take a few steps back to try and take it all in. Just like those three books, a voice has broken through to parts not so familiar yet so right. 

I have indeed concluded that this heart of mine is taken not given.

Please Jesus, Hold me down

Here I am, in this place of waiting. It took me a while to realise what this place was. At first, I worked so hard to move, keeping my destination in sight and getting frustrated when I did not seem to be making headway. Until finally, just like the Israelites in Jeremiah's time; I heard His voice push past all the false prophets in my head, telling me I was to stay. I will say it is not the directive I wanted to hear from my love, my father, my guide. I wanted Him to say, just like He said to Abraham,go; but instead I felt like David, annointed to be king by God's prophet, slaying giants but still hiding in caves from those who want to take my life. However, it is not my life I was fighting for,it was my dream:

"Why is it taking so long?" my entire being was asking me, and I had no idea what to say.

"I want to take a drink of that water so I never thirst/ from a source that's beyond measure when I have new birth/ I want to tap into that treasure spread its wealth on earth./ Nifunu kula mizu mizu, I want to be rooted." Mizu-Pompi

Those are lines from a song I discovered about a month back. It's timing was rather strange. I had just lost a friend,a young man who loved to minister through music and I had questions. I was really sad but also inspired by Mac's life, how he gave it all. I asked what the purpose for my life was. What was the point of just going to work and my only contribution to the world being making someone else richer? This song played on radio early in the morning and it just brought to remembrance the opening verses of Isaiah 55

"Wait and listen, everyone who is thirsty! Come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Yes, come, buy [priceless, spiritual] wine and milk without money and without price [simply for the self-surrender that accepts the blessing].

² Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your earnings for what does not satisfy? Hearken diligently to Me, and eat what is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness [the profuseness of spiritual joy]."

I wanted to find my purpose,my calling, my place; that which the Lord set before the foundations of the earth for me. I was restless but sad as well. I was simply in a place of asking. I had been asking the Lord for direction concerning certain things in my life but the death of my friend just intensified the desire. I have had "Mizu" on replay since the day I found it. I want to take a drink of that water so that I never thirst and I so want to tap into that treasure and spread its wealth on earth. Earlier on, I wrote a post: Papa knows best, about how my God knows and sees even that which I do not and I will wait on His leading. What I did not know is how long I would be in the waiting place.

So, here I am, in the waiting place,fellowshipping with my Lord. Here I am in the waiting place, learning things that require me to sit and listen. Here I am in the waiting place,finding contentment in Him. Here I am in the waiting place, finding once again that I was made for His delight and just like Martha,I hear Him asking me to sit, to choose that which is greater, it is not always about the run around. Here I am in the waiting place, learning that it is okay if all I do in life is to delight myself in Him. Here I am learning, my life is not my own,that I am dead,now Christ lives. Here I am learning how to live from Him vs living for Him. Here I am being the Beloved and trusting He will not let go of me nor leave my side; and here in Him is where I am.

Motions

It kind of feels like we have broken up; Reading things I wrote about you before and a bunch of other things, I might know why. This is my theory. We eased into it; our beginning, felt more like a continuation, and then we had a steady flow of interaction. Isn’t this what happens to any relationship? We are having our down time. It is not entirely a bad thing. I kind of needed it because you sort of had me awed. I needed to step back; we needed to start afresh, as friends; not as that cool guy I had been dying to meet. Not that guy that at some point I thought I was trying to impress; it did become a tad bit confusing. I knew it was time to step back when I got jealous, I felt it running deep in my veins at a time when I was kind of sensitive, more inclined towards negative energy than anything else. I wanted so much from people and unfortunately, no one gave me what I wanted. That is because I have to ask for it. I caught a glimpse of the old me, dropping hints, testing waters, to see who would be interested, then I stopped. People have problems, let me just listen to theirs and let God sort me out. 

Dear God, I think you and I have a lot of un resolved issues; which I believe I am trying to cover over with scripture promises and music. The hugs are awkward now. They feel really awkward, but it could just be me. I miss my friend.