Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I am ENOUGH

Funny thing, I don't fully feel like that.
I saw this one day, as I arrived at work. It really does not mean anything


I
"Am I enough?" I find myself asking so often. I have not been feeling enough for a while now. The month of march for the lovely ladies of SheLovesMagazine was about enough. This word, this concept was expressed in as many ways as there are hearts, hurts, fears and victories. I read all of them, I learnt from all of them, I even shared with my friends and my workmates. But one day, I ran into an old friend, I had not seen in a while, and memories came flooding back like it had just happened. I cared for him, gave him my heart, ever so timidly but nonetheless fully and it wasn't enough. Our goodbye had not been clear, sort of we went silent after a while. I wanted to be mad, I wanted to be so angry that I stopped caring, feeling hurt or pain. Then I read a line from one of the blogs
"it is possible to care too much..."
I still wondered why I wasn't enough for him, I mean I was ready carry his pain, to be there for him if he'd only let me. why wasn't I enough? why didn't he choose me?

II
I graduated from school in December. Yes, I was ecstatic because for the longest time, I felt like school was in the way of me living my life. I wanted to do so much. Finally, I would have time to write seriously and pursue my passion in media and broadcasting. Now, I have no credentials in those fields, all I have is my passion. My University certificate says I graduated with a bachelors in building economics/quantity surveying. I spent four years working for that. Now what? Day after day, I see newspaper adverts for my dream job, and they detail tasks I know I can carry out, things I wish I was part of, but then they ask for some certification other than what I have and years of experience I could only have gained if I had worked thorugh school in that particular field, my heart once again sinks.
"one day soon Lord, one day soon"

III
Last night I called a friend of mine, for no particular reason. I didn't even think we'd have anything to talk about. I just called him, it had been a while. He asked me what I was up to , wow, what have I been up to? I said nothing and he said no. You can't have been up to nothing all this time. I wondered what to tell him but more than that I wondered if he wanted to hear that. I was not sure if I could properly articulate my frustrations and fears but most of all my anguish at my feelings because I thought I was past such. So, I spoke gibberish and we went on to speak about other things. Why do I feel like I have been upto nothing?

IV
One day, on my way, to work while wallowing in my sadness, God told me
"You are enough"
"Then how come.."
"You are enough"
I am enough; whether a certain him recognised that and accepted the gift that I am or not, I am enough.

I am an intern at an HR consulatncy, a marketing intern. The story of how I got this position is just one of God's favour and Him giving us the desires of our hearts. This was totally new to me, I am one of those creative types, I , before this, didn't think I had a business bone in me. To market the business, you have to understand the business. So yes, some days I feel very inadequate for this job and this feeling has intensified over the past two weeks and I have found myself dreading walking into an office that was once a reminder of God's favour upon my life. I remember my sweet friend Mirembe likes to say "it is God who qualifies us" wow. I need to remember that. He brought me here with my engineering degree, He most certainly will sustain me.

My friends, the lantern meet of poets, are at it again. We are organising a poetry production. Bittersweet. The theme is love. I have been tasked with publicity and communications. I am honoured, I should say and really excited to be doing this; creating advertising and publicity campaigns, creating and looking for ways to put the word out there, attending rehearsals and seeing the birth of this production. I feel alive again. When I am doing this, I feel enough.

However, I have just read my last post before this one and I am reminded, that even when in situations where I fall short and I am not performing, I am enough. If I had none of all this, will I let God be enough? and because I am found in Him, I know I am enough. On somedays, it takes many deep breaths for this to sink in, but I choose to remember that I am enough.

7 comments:

  1. I have been inspired to push forward for something that I am chasing at the moment.... I AM ENOUGH.

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  2. i love the beginning! Had me laughing! The random pic

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    1. Well, I needed a picture and that one was just there staring at me

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  3. This is to beautiful, it was long but by the time i reached the end i wanted more of "being enough"

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    1. Thank you. We do need that constant reminder

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