Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I am not what you want

I see you shaking your head with a pained expression on your face. You want to fight me, I'm pretty sure you have an argument ready, it could even be a solid one. You are intelligent, you will speak, I will listen, I will back down because I feel things and you know things. Logic has always been more easily expressed than feelings anyway. I will reason that maybe we can keep on like this, just for a little while longer. You will reach out and take me into your arms and it will be decided that this is a fight for another day, it doesn't have to be right now, it could always be later.

I hear you speaking of things that we could do together, rejoicing in the person you think I am and I try to find the right words to let you see, you are mistaken,that's not me, I am not her. That girl who lights a fire in your eyes and sets off sparks in your brain. The one who fits into your fantasy, imagination, dream (call it whatever) like a glove, jigsaw finding its place as if created by your own hand.

You may need me, God knows I want you, someone like you to want me. I may even be good for you, loving you in all the ways you need to be loved. Fitting rightly into your side, like the missing rib I could be. I can give you my all, live my life to see that you have all your heart desires. Seeking your joy, your fulfillment, protecting you fiercely like a lioness her cub, putting aside my own fears to reach out and save you from yours. I could hold your hand as you walk the valleys of life ,give you a push on the back as we go up hills and give you my smile for days you cannot find your own, that sweet dimpled smile of yours. I can do all that. I am ready and willing to do all that. 
So, you may need me, and you want me to say because I make you feel good; I love you well but I am not what you want.

The girl of your dreams is different, the one I see in your eyes, that one who brings out the passion in your voice; there are things you want her to be able to do, to be, good things but they are not me. I can not lie to you because if you are to love me, I do not want you to love a lie, I do not think I'll be able to keep it up. I cannot lie to you, you deserve to get what you want. Maybe she'll even love you better than me and you'll have the perfect package. She will give you all that you need and want. Worry yourself not, with time, I will be but a distant memory.

Watching you sleep, I wonder, how much longer I can keep this up, the selfishness, I am keeping you from her. You are must be dreaming about her. I will no more bother with goodbyes because I know you will fight me. Right now, you may not see, but with time, you will know, I am not what you want.