Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Walking on eggshells

What if walking on eggshells isn’t what it is all painted out to be? Think about it, it is a lose- lose situation, you cannot walk on eggshells without cracking them, it is pointless, futile effort; trying to avoid things that are better dealt with. Some of us live with elephants, present in every conversation and moment, we ignore them. We pretend they are not there even as we jump over their excreta and have to speak over their noise. We all do this sometimes, well because it is easier. It is easier than having to come up with a plan of how to get such a heavy animal out through your small fragile door. It is easier than having to spend energy, put in a little bit maybe even a lot of effort to reclaim our space, what is ours, we much rather would let it be.

Imagine an elephant in the room with eggshells on the floor, literally. It is far from quiet, far from unnoticeable.

What if instead of tiptoeing around, we smash those eggshells and make noise on purpose. What if we refuse the pretend calm of the situation and call it for what it really is, a really messed up floor. Let us pull that elephant’s tail, make it scream until we cannot ignore it anymore because it is suffocating us and this running around it, having to stand on top of tables to see each other, is not necessary, it is tiring.

So, let’s talk. Let’s start these conversations that we are afraid of, that we assume might end something or maybe even begin a couple of things. Let us give things their proper names and speak to them directly. 

I am not just a bit disturbed by your behavior, I am angry, extremely angry because I feel your selfishness to the very core of my being and it makes me sick. Angry because I thought I meant more to you than this and you would be willing to fight for us, not run to save you. Angry because you refuse to acknowledge, recognize, own up to your part in this.

I do not just maybe miss you sometimes. I miss you a lot all the time, more so when you are seated next to me, when I look at your face and do not see myself; when I hold your hand and feel, nothing, no response, just numbness. I want to scream, I want us to talk about it, I want to ask questions. I want you to stop treating me like a fool and giving me nonsense answers. Tell me the truth. Tell me what you are thinking, what you are feeling…

I am afraid, petrified, near paralysis with fear at the thought of yet another day. I am afraid to try and afraid to not try. I am scared to hope yet I do not see how else to live. There are days, there are days the pain feels like it will never end and the despair seems to draw me deeper into its dark dark abyss and I try and reach out but words fail me because in that moment it seems stupid, I know better, I can do this but right before I ran into you, I was considering not waking up tomorrow.