Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Eeeeeehhhh…but ok

I went to bed with this feeling and woke up with the same feeling intensified

“Relationships are Hard; not just hard but HAAAAARRRRRRDDDDD!!!!!!”

I am a dreamer, a lucid dreamer at that. If something is on my mind, I will most likely dream about it. That is how I awoke with the feeling intensified.

I am not talking about these superficial just barely touching the surface relationships. I mean real relationships, real call to die relationships. I am talking about all relationships because there really is one love, not many types of love, either way the foundation is the same; the rest are just details, add-ons, bla bla

I have had friends, many friends through the different phases of life but somehow even my friends are like the phases, they end at some point. We do not break up, no, we just stop being close, in a way so awkward I wonder if we were ever close to begin with. I have been wondering, asking myself if I have ever loved. Sure I have thrown the word around, I love ice-cream and chocolate cake, same goes for music; I love those things. I love my family and it hurts sometimes, loving them.

Many people have called me sweet and I have said I do not know what that means. But who am I kidding? Maybe I do and I just do not want to acknowledge it that I might indeed be sweet. Nothing wrong with that except if I start believing I’m all that, I might start desiring and expecting all that. Then my sweetness will have strings attached and my love will no longer be selfless then it will not be love anymore, it will be…something.

I am not just talking about the acts of being kind or giving your friends money when you barely have or taking long journeys to attend their parties hard. That is not hard depending on your personality and in itself is not an identifier of love. I am talking about truth. The truth about where your heart is as regards this relationship and how dead you are in it.

The truth that your words hurt me but I will not say anything about it because that will make the whole situation uncomfortable and I’d much rather let you go around using your tongue to injure others than mess with my comfort.

The truth that I don’t always think the best of you and I have wanted to walk away from this more than once. The truth that sometimes when we talk, I am disappointed. Disappointed because you were supposed to make me feel a certain way and somehow you failed.

The truth that I do not like listening to you because you are in the category of people who should be listening to me. You are talking but I am waiting for you to finish so that I can slot in my knowing “Hmmmm…” and rub your back.

The truth that I am afraid of you, I do not think I am enough for you. Strong enough, kind enough, patient enough…and one day I will snap and everyone will finally see what I have always known, I am not all that.

The truth that I totally hate being shut out because then I get like this thinking and writing things that seem deep but just make me feel all messed up inside; but I’m not even sure I want to be included because what happens when I can’t help you, huh?

The truth that I have the Spirit of God who guides me in all truth and has been calling me to love, to the transformation into His likeness. The truth that this call to forget about myself and not keep score seems like the valley of the shadow of death, really unpleasant and scary. Well because, you want me to love without holding back myself, to not just give of myself physical things but the real me. You want me to let them in when they might shut me out. You want me to care enough that I hurt with them as if I do not have enough pain of my own.

The truth that I might have to live a life of no recognition where no one appreciates me and that is supposed to be ok, I am supposed to give no attention to it. The truth that my life is not my own.

The truth that in a relationship, it is totally not about me, I might as well not exist, think not of me, its all about you.

So, I woke up and prayed about this truth and well…

Eeeeeeh…but ok!

1 comment:

  1. Totally my zone right now babe... this feeling sucks, much so if u can't really tell them that it hurts like hell. But oh well!!! a glass of wine and these beautiful words of yours always make me feel better cuz u are like my #zonemate..KUDOS