Break!

 do you know how frustrating it is to spend to weeks being anxious for exams? everyone else seems to have done at least one or all of their papers and i haven't done any of my six. so I'm taking a break from the revision. it is so hard to take a guilt free break. you feel like you are wasting time or you at least ought to wait until you are so tired that your eyes can't help but close, but there is also that point whee your concentration has dropped so greatly....taking a break to blog. I'm trying to be a serious student, earnestly hunting down this 5.0 which i tattoo on my wrist every morning to remind me of my goal. OK i also have a not so secret obsession with tattoos especially on my wrist. 5.0,5.0,5.0,5.0,5.0,5.0,5.0.......that's all i need this sem. i know i can do it. the work is not little but it is interesting and often times doesn't really feel like I'm working until i run into an anxious on the verge of stress classmate who is sleeping in 2 hour intervals every night and sleep talks class work only to wake up for a discussion of same earlier mentioned class work. why is everyone so frantic? why can't they chill a bit, maybe then I'll feel a little less guilty. its not in my nature to panic or stress like that. i know all is well. i know I'm working for a definite end, GREAT SUCCESS!

Trying to blog on my phone once again. Ok,my mother's phone,wierd how my 50 sth year old mom has a cooler phone than 21 year old me! At home on a monday night,i should be at school being a serious student like everyone else. I feel a bit fired up,reading this book "think on these things,meditations for leaders" awesome! I've never read a better book and it couldn't have come at a much better time. I'm looking forward to so much...learning alot about my father, God and His plans for the world,trying to figure out where i fit in all this. Learning about handling disappointment...this book has a way of exciting me. I have a course work to do...see you some other time

Bucket list

So I have this amazing friend of mine who just has like a million things she wants to do. She writes them down and prayerfully pursues them.I guess I'm going to try and do the same. I haven't really started living my dream. I have a dream, I have dreams. I want to write books, i want to fall so helplessly in love, I want to sing in a choir. So here goes my list:

1. fall so deeply in love/ find my best friend

2.sing in a choir

3. write for a fashion magazine

4. appear in a magazine, cover would be awesome

5. appear on a billboard

6. learn about photography

7.design an outfit

8. host a radio/TV show

9. teach my younger siblings about God

10. live on my own

11. bungee jumping

12. surfing

13.write many many books

14. travel to Australia

15. meet Bebo Norman

i guess that is enough for now, i will dream up more later

Things You Can't Discuss

I have been thinking about this for quite sometime, certain things on my mind but can't really discuss them.
1. Are you the one?
This is kind of a tight paper. how do you tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you are not sure about them? The situation is made more difficult by the fact that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this person. There are good days and there are bad days but the bad days seem to outweigh the good ones. I feel like we are not making progress. Is it just me or do you feel it too? may be I need to spend more one on one time with you as in no friends around. This thing of sharing friends sucks. not to mention the pressure; I feel like I have to consider them in every decision I make. As if its not enough that I'm confused already as it is. Maybe I expected something else, I thought when I found you, the rest would pale in comparison, they would fade away. Every morning I make a choice to choose you, and every day I encounter a blast from the past. It is an uphill climb.

2.I miss being single
Never say this in the presence of your single friends. So even when you are feeling it, you can't share with anyone. The non-single friends are ecstatic about where they are so they won't understand. The truth is I feel trapped. I'm often feeling guilty. At times I feel like I'm still single. I have been thinking in one for so long, I have to learn how to think in two. Problem is I'm not sure I want to learn how to think in two. Its so on my mind that its starting to show on my face,what to tell people when they ask.

3.What happened to us?
I have been running into people I sort of fancied,OK really fancied but nothing ever happened with. I wonder what really happened, how come it wasn't you? fancee no 1, we are really good friends, understands me proper, we had our moments of confusion, moments of clarity not in so many words, kind of spoke in parables but we each got he point. progressed to continue being great friends, no tension. He has a girlfriend now, I have a boyfriend but sometimes I wonder how come "we" didn't happen. fancee no 2, I read my journal and I'm amazed at how strong the feeling was, jumps off the pages...wow. There was a definite non changeable reason why we couldn't be but wow...I think it would have been amazing. fancee no 3, was the bad boy we should all stay away from. I kept finding myself drawn to him yet my spirit told me he was a no go area. He never seems to make up his mind, I couldn't hold out for him forever. fancee no 4, we are friends, for a while there I had forgotten why I fancied him. then recently I started seeing him often and I remembered; but I prayed about him and I was told to let go and I did reluctantly because I treasure my  Lord but it was painful to let go because there is something in him that just lights me up, spiritually. fancee no 5, called me when he heard about our strike, had called me earlier on and a friend of mine said I was blushing on the phone...I didn't see myself but I think I was. He's amazing and there is something there but his time and my time seem separate, talked to him for over an hour effortlessly....letting go is not easy

4. I'm sorry
Is it normal? I feel like I'm being so unfair to my boyfriend feeling like this; not that I want to leave him for them but what I feel for them despite being with him makes me think he's not the one. Why me? why this? I just want to enjoy my relationship, I just want it to grow..but do I really? what kind of person am I? and he seems to be so in love, I want to ask him how? can't you see this? am I that good an actress? how do I deal with this?

On my phone

Now I'm not on my phone. the first time i tried blogging using the phone it didn't work out. i don't think i fully remember what the blog was about but let me try. first of all it wasn't my phone, it was my mother's and i was so bored so i figured, what the heck.Just thinking about life and the many things i seem to be passionate about. i love writing and one of these days my best seller i coming out. and since I'm also crazy about children, don't be shocked if its a children's book that comes out first. i love fashion, don't know yet what I'm going to do with that. when i was younger, at some point i wanted to be a model, turns out adolescence wasn't that kind to me, messed with my esteem not to mention my model look. I also wanted to be a designer, not anymore though but i think with a little help and experience i could pull off being a stylist. I love beauty and I'm crazy about pampering, looking into a spa, I'd like to own one. Can  you believe I'm studying to become a building economist/quantity surveyor? where do they all meet? not to mention my love for media so i would one day like to host a TV show, radio show and work for a magazine.A friend of mine believes i can write music, maybe one day, i might even start now. I can write the lyrics, not so good with the tunes though. I forgot to mention, i love decor, interior design is so intriguing. I have a new found interest in food, cooking is also an art. it is so rewarding to eat amazing food after you've put in all that effort. A skill is something developed, when will i do all this? Plus i love public relations so i would like to do PR for some firm or brand. HELP, big dreamer here!   let me go write a song

updates

 A new year is finally upon us. strange how I'm just saying that now, i should be thinking about valentine's day. anyway so for the update part of my life. i think i might have spoken too soon when i said i had a beautiful ending for 2010 because i fell sick two days later on New Year's eve. but here are the updates, in January, i celebrated(not really) more like had my 21st birthday, my sister's graduation and my brother's wedding. i have been dying to blog about those events but just you wait for the pictures. now they are all in the past....most recent though is new semester is here yey! I'm not that excited, nothing seems to excite me much these days, maybe its just a phase, someone please tell me its just a phase. i took a very big step and the wished i could take it all back then i was confused and totally unhappy, deliberated and...finally i made up my mind i was going to take back what i had said...then i saw him from across the road and my heart skipped, i couldn't stop smiling, what had i been thinking all along. finally i had my answer.i don't seem to have much to say today. been learning alot but still have to organize myself;f before i can tell or teach others, will keep you posted.

beautiful ending

i guess this might be my last blog of 2010. this year has been, wow!!!! it has also gone by so fast. everything i asked for i received, i grew in faith in God and in others. i have never learnt more about love, practically like i have this year. i have been doing alot of baby sitting since before christmas. it has been quite eye opening. earlier this year i developed an ienexplicable great love for babies and everyone seemed to be having babies left right and center. they look so adorable when you know the moment he acts up, you are handing them back to the mum. not so cute though when the mum is away for hours on end and you have to do everything from entertainment, to feeding to bathing to dyper changes then trying to get them to eat, getting messy when eating, getting them to stop crying because they want to sleep.... the list is endless and that is separate from all the other house work you have like cooking and the dishes, your laundry plus trying to have a decent looking house all the while screaming, "baby no....don't..come....please....shoooo..." and you have to say sorry in case you make them angry because they are people too and they get it when you say sorry. i have been enjoying the kisses though, my nephew in particular gives really wet ones. i love trying to guess what word he is saying, is it my name? until you realise he says it everywhere. the unique personalities of these small people is....i've been in this bubble for so long that i haven't really thought that much about 2011. i feel like i should have specific plans, set goals and yet i somehow just want to live one day at a time and see what happens. maybe in the new year i will make those plans. i am tired of living in bubbles,keep getting shocked when i step out,solution? stop living in bubbles. how do i do that? sometimes things are a certain way for so long and everyone you are interacting with thinks and acts the same way that you forget it could be different. i have to widen my mind to keeping other ways of life sort of present in my mind as i continue in the one i am living. i am going to be heading a magazine, a small one, found on a notice board but i am really excited!!!yey i'll keeep you POSTED. see ya