Pictures of me, Pictures of you

Play time

serious discussion

it was a work day

I love his poetry

my name;

I'm not just a girl, I'm a flame. Watch me burn with the passion of life spreading love.

He did what?

"Come here," he said as he tapped his chest motioning for her to come in for a hug. She smiled because he was smiling, there was nothing unusual about this. Everyone hugged everyone as they were parting ways.

She went home continuing with smiling faces and pleasntries assuring every one that she was fine; most didn't even notice that her countenance had changed.

"I am fine" she whispered to herself as she walked in the dark, " I have to be fine."

She did not feel like talking tonight, she just wanted to go to bed so that this day would also come to an end. She just wanted to move on. He had said he would call, so she waited. She anticipated that it would be wierd; "he is goiing to ask me questions I will not want to answer and it will be strange" she thought. Before the thought was even fully formed in her mind, the phone rang and it was him. She picked, filled with a mixture of joy and just a tinge of dread, someone cared enough to do a follow up check but oh how she hated discussing her feelings.

 He started with a joke, making her feel at ease, then things became serious. He wasn't asking questions, he said he would talk and all she had to do was listen then afterwards they would pray together, he would pray for her. Straight from the very first sentence her heart started melting, how did he know what to say. She tried to be strong, fighting back tears, choosing to not be vulnerable before a man, it never ends well.

 He spoke and gave her heart voice, saying all those things she had been feeling but knowing no one would understand, no one would want to hear. The love in his voice nested her heart, drew her out and told her it was ok and never ever stopped pointing her to HIM,
"God loves you," He said over and over again. Finally, she gave in, she let the tears roll down her face, her voice breaking and sniffs could be heard over the phone.

That is when it happened, she heard him cry, saying his heart was breaking because he could feel the depth of her pain as if it was his own. He cried with her and to her that beat anything any one else could say. They have to top that! He prayed for her then encouraged her to pray as well, saying
"I just want you to know that I am here to pray with you and agree with you, to help carry your burden. you are not alone."

Tearful and unafraid, she let it all out to God even as her friend listened and held her hand through the phone, held her heart...

Going to bed after, her entire being was in awe of the man who cried because he felt her pain. That man who hugged her right before they left already seeing the pain she was trying to make little of. No, she was not falling, he had just held her hand and kept her from falling. She was appreciating, the man who shared her tears.

BROKEN VOICES OF THE REVOLUTION

Let it go on record that I was part of this! When people ask about that day that changed history, I want to tell them as I saw things happen where I was in the front seat, the stage and the background. I want them to point at me and say
"She was not afraid to be heard"

     

Let it go down as evidence. For when I am apprehended for shining as the light that I am, I will demand a conviction. With my own hand, I write that on this side of the line, I stand. With my own mouth, I dare to say

"You are on the wrong side!"

 

I put it in a language many wish was extinct but crave for it in secret; truth. With word I hope to clear scales and permeate hearts. Open your eyes and see; light. Open your ears and hear; sound. Open your hearts and receive; hope.
"Yes, it is a new dawn"



THERAPY

Considering the world we live in, we all need therapy. I am seeing someone about my current state of being. I know so many people who would be tres excited if the statement had ended at "I'm seeing someone" :). But anyway, I have had myself admitted. So far I have had about three sessions, I see my therapist everyday. We do this thing where everything goes quiet and it is just us two. The first session was pretty much just silence. I am new to this therapy thing. There was too much feeling on the inside of me and not enough words.

The next session is when I was able to say something. I wonder if my therapist could make out what I was saying because I was just weeping uncontrollably. At first I was saying I didn't know why I was crying, why I felt the way I was feeling, I hate feeling and so on and so forth and He said nothing for some good time. So I was feeling inadequate, under-achiever like, attacked from all sides and scared. I was living life on the defensive,I was practically walking around with fists clenched ready to fight to protect me! Oh, how stressful!!!

I am not used to taking care of me. I am totally spoilt by my Father. He tells me to give no thought to those things because He knows that I have need of them but rather to just delight myself in Him. Without realising it, I had tried to try and take care of myself again. I was living out of balance; out of joint. So He told me that He is more interested in me than in anything I could ever do for Him. He told me that even when I am to do for Him anything, He will enable me and He will make sure I do it well. He also reminded me of my awesome big brother; the first born who is perfection himself by the way. We all look up to Him and it is He who made it possible for us to be this close to dad anyway.

Anyway, He pointed out that in as much as he was a person who helped people a lot and staff, He always had some alone time to just hang with Dad. I was told to stop trying so hard. I was thinking too much and also feeling too much. I usually have more than one session a day because they are FREE!!!! and I don't have to make appointments,anytime is okay. Being in therapy with your father is awesome; what's even more awesome is if your father is the Lord God Almighty. With a big brother like Jesus,of course I am on my way to being fine, to being more than okay. to being WHOLE :)

Listening

I'm practicing sleeping in silence. Silence. No music, no TV, no conversations with myself or any other invisible people in the room. I'm practicing many things, things I didn't mind doing before I developed or discovered I had my own personality. I am trying to find my love for reading novels so that the next time I say I love reading, it's not a lie. Silence seems like a luxury these days, a lot of noise in and out of my soul,somethings/some evil one made his way into my soul and stirred up a bit of confusion.

You see, I don't know what you see but I know who I am. I know whose I am, and the one to whom I belong is so amazingly indescribable. My eyes had been tamed,taught that they are bound to be wrong or to have defects but to always rely on their counterparts,the spiritual eyes; word eyed vision. My ears too,told that there might be moments of being clogged with all the wrong things, but to listen to the still small voice of Truth. Then I saw, and word eyed vision said my emotions were being confused by what wasn't real. Andy Mineo calls it fool's gold. It isn't treasure, it is trash! My ears held on for what they thought they would one day hear. One of these days, this thing before me is going to turn out just right. If I give this frog the right kiss, he will turn into my Prince; but how many kisses will I give it before it is the right one? The voice of truth told me it wasn't my place to make that frog a prince,I knew it, I just didn't listen because I was running from one thing to another looking for a reason to justify staying where I knew I had to depart from. I had to leave Egypt's gold and its idols. Sure the scenery was cool but false all the same.

So,I'm practicing sleeping in silence. I have heard so much that I don't want to hear anymore. Things from the outside that do not agree with the nature of me,spirit. I stay still, I say nothing, I don't even bother to try and think of anything. Brain be quiet,World, shut up,my Spirit is listening to THE Spirit.

Mid-year crisis (Circles)

Recently I have been feeling funny, and not in the sense that when I think of myself or look at myself in the mirror I laugh but in the sense that I just wanted to give up on me. I have just realised that the mid-year months i.e May,June,July and sometimes August are usually the most profound months of my year, most years. Usually,I feel like I am coming close to either a nervous breakdown or I'm heading full speed towards a deep deep deeper than deep depression or ...numbness, lost. I keep on fighting because well,I believe I was created to enjoy my life.

With every year comes new things that are usually super exciting Jan to March, then April sets in and....I have decided, seeing as I have noticed early this time to nip it in the bud. I was listening to Joyce Meyer the other day and she said we have to learn to resist the devil from the onset, wait or was it Andrew Wommack? doesn't matter, the point is bible says resist the devil and he shall flee from you. Ok maybe, I have faltered in ways I thought I could never falter in again, or this year's June July and August slightly resemble last year's. That is just what it seems like. The reality is I have grown, I have learnt stuff, I have seen stuff, I have been through things in the past 12 months that definitely make a difference. What beat me last year better get ready for some butt kicking this year. I refuse to give up on me! No, I'm not living in circles but rather I'm walking straight, it is a linear progression.

YOU

I dream about you only in the sweetest way

Any one can dream of another.

I want to walk away from you

Suspense is painful, yet confirmation is scary

I pray about you more than I even pray for you

I seek advice and try it but nothing seems to work

As if you are hidden deep within my heart

That even I, wanting to

Cannot remove you.

When I think I’m okay,

Just the thought of you has me writing poems.

When I think I’m okay,

Just mentioning your name has me all smiles

When I think I’m okay,

You walk in and I feel like I’m in a movie

Everything happens in slow motion

My heart leaps and so does my stomach

I smile and wonder for how long I can stare before I’m caught

I take mental pictures of you,

Not that many, for I fear to look straight at you,

Thinking my eyes might give me away

I have movie archives in my brain

Picture so clear, Hollywood would be threatened

That time when you told me your name

That time when we talked about God

That time when you teased me

That time when I teased you

That time when we just both smiled

That time when you asked for my help

That time when I will know for sure.